Wandering in the Forest

December Out of Town

2011-12-12T12:25:00.001-06:00

Even though i have been fighting depression a long time, and have had many frightening times when the thought of how much of a relief death would be, nothing scares me more than when you find out your child is depressed. I used to blame myself. Of course he got this from me, since I'm the obvious nutjob in the family, right? But since I began to speak out more openly about it, others in the family have begun to come forward on both sides of my childrens family to say they have fought this dragon too, so i dont feel quite as much that some odd gene in me caused a curse on my child. I have one son who has depression, and he has been on meds and under control for many years, but they stopped working, and I'vee been in a battle with the doctor to get him an appt sooner than January. He saw the doctor today, and we now have hope through new meds. I am staying with him right now, as he called me last week and said he didnt think he should be alone. He didnt have to esplain that to me as i knew exactly what he meant. So i am here until i am convinced he is ok. My sis sent me two texts checking on him and i replied and added i love you, sis at the end. She does not reply to that part. But you know, i feel great saying it regardless. Im tired of pretending i dont care about people who hurt me. I do care or it would not hurt.Well, i seem to be sleeping a lot. My son has gone back to work, so i am going to get. Much needed nap.

It Went Better Than Expected

2011-12-01T22:02:00.001-06:00

I realized when I arrived where I was supposed to meet her that I had no idea what kind of car she drove nor did she know mine. But soon, we figured out who each other were. She started talking like we had no break whatsoever in communication and that she had a long conversation with me yesterday instead of fifteen years ago. She was pleasant, and we did a lot of talking about "Do you remember" things from our past. One of the things I have realized forever is I hate Christmas, always have as long as I can remember, pre-yearly mother-in-law visits, pre- friend's Christmas suicide, just always a feeling of dread at the very mention of Christmas. In therapy, we discussed this, and I can remember Easters, Birthdays, Valentines Days, etc. from my years from nine and under (when my parents split up) but nothing, nada about Christmas. I told the therapist I really wanted to figure this out, because it is a big peeve with my husband that anyone could hate Christmas. So since my sister is four years older, I figured maybe she would remember more. She did. She said that on Christmas morning, we would get up, Mama would make us eat breakfast, get dressed, and then we'd go into the living room and unwrap our presents. However, we were not allowed to open the boxes/packages. All the paper was cleared away, and Mama stacked them on our beds. Then we went next door to my paternal grandmother's house. We were not allowed to take any presents over there, because Mama said there would be too many children and we would lose or tear them up. So we went over there and according to my sister, my grandmother had cooked for days and days. (She had ten children including my dad). They had a small house, but they would set up saw horses and plywood and make one huge long table down the middle of the dining room and living room, and everyone would come eat. I said how many people? She said well, there were twenty two adults, and then all their children, and you were probably the youngest one. She remembered this because none of the older kids wanted to play with me, so I pretty much sat there. She said Daddy would not let us go back next door home, and we stayed all day. She said I would get tired and cranky and by the time we went home, late in the day, I'd end up going straight to bed. She said then when we finally did get into our presents, Mama and Daddy would fight about how much money she spent. She said I never understood this, because I didn't see how she had to spend any since Santa brought them. So that was our Christmas. And once I said I didn't want to go, and got a spanking before we ever left for talking back. For the longest time I have had this recurring nightmare. I'm on a cruise ship or in a mall or in a house, and it is just packed wall to wall with people, and I can't find my stuff. I have no money, no phone, no way to call anyone, and I am separated from everyone I know. So I wonder how much of that dream has always had to do with Christmas.Anyway, my sister told me about some other things I didn't remember and really didn't want to, but she left out the parts where she used to torment me. I never brought up our "being on a break" for fifteen years. She was polite to me all day, except for one comment when we were at my dad's. Her cell phone kept ringing, and my step mom asked if she always kept that with her. She said oh yes, because mama hates it when I go off somewhere and forget it and she has to answer it. I said, "Yeah, I guess Mama's not used to it, because she doesn't even have one." "Yes, she does now," she said, "She just doesn't want you to have the number." Then she kept right on talking to my step mom like she hadn't said anything. I doubt it's true, because anyone who knows me knows I HATE talking on the phone, rarely answer it unless it is one of the kids, so I don't know why she would mind me having it. I know the therapist is going to say I should have gone back to that but I didn't. I also didn't scream or cry or have a bad day, so I think all in all it went ok. I'm in no hurry to see her again, but I am glad to know that we can at least be comfortable around each other for a few hours. Daddy's Alzheimer's is getting worse. He kept asking about me, and how was Kathy? And I was sitting there talking to him. When we got ready to leave, I hugged him and said, I love you Daddy. And he looked at me and said, I love you too Baby Doll. Which is what he always called me when I was little. So maybe somewhere he knows me. Well, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to go to the chiro in the morning, then go by Best Buy and try to talk my husband into buying us two iphones on sprint. Then we pick up his daughter for lunch and to take her to the courthouse to get her a non-driver's ID. She's moving to Texas in December with a guy she met on the internet. Her husband is giving her 1000 dollars traveling money, according to her, and wishing her well. Truth is stranger than fiction. Always.

It's Been a Long Time

2011-11-30T11:46:00.001-06:00

I decided to start blogging again, or at least make a good attempt. So much time has gone by and I haven't really caught anyone up on what's going on in my life, so this may be a long post.I have had a bad year as far as the depression. For so many years, I have been taking the same antidepressant, and I guess it just stopped working. As it usually happens, I don't notice it all at once. It seems to creep up on me. For the last several months, I have done my best to never leave the house unless it's to go out to eat with my husband, which we have done less and less. It's to the point now, he does most of the errands, grocery shopping, etc. The doctor has changed my meds and done some adjustments, plus is looking into some type of new blue full spectrum light that he wants me to try to see if this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm still in weekly therapy, same therapist. Of course, my mother-in-law is coming again this year, but only for one week. We did have a bit of drama, as my daughter and I had decided, for several reasons (1. youngest son flying into her city because it's less on airfare 2. she won't have to get the kids out for a long car trip 3. She has three times the space in her house that we have here.) Anyway, it made sense to us. We had to drive up there anyway to pick up my son and his girlfriend, so we thought we'd just go on Christmas eve morning, open gifts, have lunch, visit awhile, and then come home in the afternoon. My husband agreed it was a great idea, and mentioned it to his mom during his weekly call to her and her reply was...."Well if I'd known you were going to do that, I wouldn't have bought a ticket to come." After some emails, calls, pleads, all he or I can get out of her is that she doesn't feel a part of things, no specifics. I wrote her a long letter and got one back, with no specifics but just some comments that "we will go" and "she will be fine." Anyway, now my husband, who is an only child and the only family she has (since she doesn't really seem to want to claim us, even though we're trying to claim her) is going to worry all day about whether or not she's happy. Of course, in therapy, I've dealt with this, that I've done what I can, I don't have to make everything ok for everyone, it's her choice whether she's happy or not...etc. I did ask my husband directly have I or my kids ever said or done anything to her to make her feel unwelcome, and his reply was no, we are all friendly and kind to her. So...who knows.My mom was supposed to come this year at Thanksgiving. That's the only time of the year I see her, and she missed last year. Well I hurt my back the week before Thanksgiving, and so she called to tell me I should not have it this year. I told her the kids really wanted to see each other, I wanted to see them, and the grandkids, and that we were going to get a dinner box from the Cracker Barrel so I would have very little to do to prepare, so it would be fine. She then said a few things that sort of gave me the feeling she just didn't want to come. My mom is in her 80's, and it's an hour's drive, so I told her if she didn't want to come, she didn't have to, but we all really would like to see her. Then she said well, she might not come this year. I said ok, well if you don't feel like it, I understand. After a little more talk, she said she needed to go, because she had dinner in the oven to take over to my sister's house, because their family was having their big Thanksgiving celebration that evening a week early because of schedules. I got off the phone, and called my daughter on Facetime (our new way to talk) and while I was talking to her, I broke down. I cried and cried. She said she'd like to call her grandmother and talk to her, and I said no. I didn't want her to get in the middle of that mess. The next day I saw my therapist, and she said I should have told my mom how I felt, or let my daughter call and at least let her know that I was upset. She continues to tell me I don't give myself value and that I treat myself as a non-person, like I don't matter. The example she always uses, and my children agree to, is that the only time I've pitched a fit and stood up to someone it was because someone did something to my children. Not to me. So, my daughter called and told her I was upset, and that she knew Mom lives close to my sister, and that they are close, but that they treat me like I'm not part of the family, I don't feel welcome to come there, I'm never invited, and it's like I don't matter. She said this thing with my sister and I not talking has gone on so long no one even knows what it's about anymore, and that when my mom passes away there will never be any contact at all, and that's not right. And that it's not up to Mom to try to heal it. We need to do that ourselves. My mom said my sister is not mad, there is no problem, etc. So my daughter said my sister needs to call and tell me that, or at least talk to me about it. Well, the next morning, I got a call and it had my sister's name on the caller ID. I can't tell you how bad my heart was pounding. It ended up being my mom to say she had decided maybe she'd come for Thanksgiving after all, and could she bring the deviled eggs. I swear, that was our conversation. She came, and we had a nice day. My granddaughter was trying to figure out who my mom was, and she said "Did you met me before?" (She's four.) I tried to explain that this is your mama, and I'm her mama and this is my mama. She said oh. Can I call her Nana? And that's what we all agreed on. (I'm Granny). My mom said your sister said she'd like to have you ride with her sometime to go out and see your dad (My dad has Alzheimers) and it's a long way to drive by yourself (it is), so would I like to do that sometime? I have not seen my sister alone without Mama dragging her somewhere to appease me, in almost fifteen years. So I said sure, have her call me. She called....it went like this...."Mama said you want to go with me to Daddy's." "Yes, I would." "Well, the only day I can go is Thursday." I said "Thursday is fine with me." "Well, you'd have to meet me halfway." (We come from different directions.) I said I can do that. "Well I have to go early. What time do you get up?" "I can be there whenever you want me to." "Well then meet me at 8:30." "Ok." Then she said, "I can't stay too long. I have to get back to pick up the grandkids at school." "That's fine. We can leave when you are ready." "Ok, then. See you then. Bye." My therapist said I will have her to myself for an hour in the car from where we meet to my father's house, without my mom as a buffer. And we have to talk. That I have to deal with my core issue, which is the break in our relationship. In my birth family, you don't discuss feelings, or problems. YOu pretend they don't exist. But the therapist said that's their rules, and I don't have to play by those. In the past, she has really used every opportunity to put me down, and I always got my feelings hurt and kept quiet about it. She is good at jabs that hit below the belt. It happened so much in our younger years that I never noticed she did it until other people kept asking me why she does that? So the first thing the therapist said is that I don't have to take that anymore. I can choose to address it, or even just to say, "Why would you say that to me. That hurts my feelings." I told the therapist there is a part of me that is scared to death of her. And part of me, I guess the part that has benefited from this therapy, that is ready for this. She said we need to discuss what we want from our relationship as sisters, if anything. She asked me what I wanted. I said to have peace, to be able to talk now and then, and not dread having to do it, to be in the room with each other, without feeling the tension, to feel welcome at each other's homes and in each other's lives, but not feel like we have to be best buddies and see each other often. The therapist's office called me back yesterday to ask if I could come in this afternoon again, because she had a cancellation. I guess she thinks I needa little more preparation. ha. And she's right. I'm not an assertive person, and while I'm trying to learn to be (that was my 2011 new years resolution), I've got a long way to go. But, tomorrow morning, as we sometimes say when we're feeling very much like Southerner's....the sh*t will hit the fan. And I dread it. But I have to deal with this core issue once and for all.....(guess who told me that. ha)So I'll let you know what happens. I have missed all of you, my readers. I tried Facebook, but I get too lost in all the messages to be able to keep up. So feel free to comment. I opened this blog up as public. I don't know that I will keep it that way, but for now, I have.

Sick but Sane?

2011-03-03T12:28:00.002-06:00

My last blog post, which I deleted, I wrote after taking my Ambien..and it was weirrrrrrrd. I should have learned by now to take that crap AFTER I'm in bed. But you think you're ok. Then you wake up and find out you've blogged something weird, or bought something online you didn't need, or written an email you don't remember. Good stuff for sleep, bad stuff for sanity. ha. Unfortunately, I don't sleep without it. I know. I've tried. Anyway, I apologize for that last post.
I've had pneumonia, but I think I'm a lot better. I have cabin fever so decided I just really needed to get dressed and get out of here for awhile. I went down to the thrift store, and started feeling really sick/weak. So I turned around and came back home. I'm not running fever anymore, and I can breathe better, so I know I just have to be patient, but I'm definitely better.
My step-daughter's husband has been emailing me, and I've decided he's maybe a little past eccentric. Some of his rants are reallllly strange. (Look who's talking. ha!) Plus his moods seem to be all over the place. He doesn't seem like dangerous weird, but I bet he's a challenge for her to live with. He goes from the depths of depression to a kind of ranting mania to being really angry with everyone and everything. Sometimes he gets so bad, he makes no sense. I haven't told my husband a lot about the emails, as there is nothing they will let him do (but send money) and I don't want him to worry himself to death about her. He's been under a lot of stress lately with work, and now the doctor said his blood pressure is up, even with the medicine for it. So he doesn't need me to add to it.
One of my nieces posts often on FB, and her favorite word is "torture." (Why do I torture myself, etc.) Only she spells it torcher, and it drives me nuts. She's done that several times, and I thought about just sending her a message and telling her nicely that you spell it T-O-R-T-U-R-E, but I'm just too afraid I'd embarrass her. I'm not perfect with my spelling either, so I'm not sure why it bugs me so much, but it does.
We have a cruise planned in May, and I wish it was May already. I need a vacation away from here. I'm really looking forward to it.
My son bought me a computer picture frame for Christmas, and I've been enjoying it for the last couple of days, since I figured out how to load the pictures on it. Now if I need a smile, I just look at the grandkids' pictures. I think it's a great invention. :)

Family Gossip

2011-02-17T13:55:00.000-06:00

My youngest son, who broke up with his girlfriend, Katie, because he is taking a job in Chicago, and gave me the big talk about how he didn't love her and he didn't want a long distance relationship, and it was better if they end it, etc. etc, called yesterday...

Hi Mom, I'm coming to see you.
When?
In...about five minutes. (Since he lives in Arkansas that was a shocker.)
Ok, I'm here!
I have you on speaker, so say hi to Katie.

When they got here, I started talking to him about his moving plans, and he said, "Oh yeah, Katie's moving up there with me."

Of course, I can't ask a lot of questions with Katie sitting there, but I did get that she only has one semester of school left, and she's already applied at the University up there to transfer and finish out there. And they've rented an apartment...and her parents are happy for them.

I sure hope he knows what he's doing.

The other news is my mom called back to talk to me about going to see my dad, and I told her I hadn't been this week because I have this cold. She said well you know you really need to go see him. I said well, he and my stepmom go places all the time. He could come here to see me, and as far as that goes, you could come to see me too. I haven't seen you since Thanksgiving 2009. Long silence. Maybe she won't be on me to go see my dad now.

All the Latest in February in Alabama

2011-02-16T07:01:00.001-06:00

Hmm...News....Let's see...It's even harder not living close to the grandkids now that there are two of them! Ben is growing so fast. Claire does call me on the phone or we talk on Skype pretty often. She was sitting at her desk talking to me on Skype the other day and she leaned into the camera and said, "I gotta potty Granny- You stay right there." :-)
Bruce got me a big box of chocolates, a card, and a balloon. That was nice. He had left them on the counter when he left really early for work. When I got up, I walked around in the kitchen for an hour before I noticed this box of candy with a huge balloon tied to it. Gives much more meaning to "I'm still half asleep."
I'm still drawing some. I've been addicted to thrift store shopping lately. We have another cruise planned in May and I want some new summer clothes for that. I cleaned out my closet, which was a major job, and got rid of four trash bags full of clothes that neither I nor Bruce could wear anymore. Put them on Craigslist for free and they went quickly.
My mom called to tell me my sister and her husband drove out to see my dad, and he was asking about me. She said I need to go. I planned to go yesterday, but then I came down with this yucky cold. I don't want to give this to anyone else. Almost made it all winter without a cold. I'm lucky that I don't get sick often, but when I do, it's usually a doozie.
I went back to therapy last week. Hadn't been since October. She said the depression is so much better (and the doctor agrees) and that we need to start working on some issues "that we couldnt' work on when you were depressed." That sounds lovely. ha. She also had me buy this book called Better Boundaries and start journaling again. Hey I wonder if blogging counts. I doubt it. But I do pretty much write on here what I would write in there.
My cleaning lady told me this week she hates the picture over my sofa because it looks very 80's. I said well that's when I bought it. I've had it since my kids were little. So now I keep wondering if I should take it down, or paint over it. It's a very large picture. Shouldn't waste a perfectly good frame. Maybe I'll paint over it. A little Jackson Pollack. :)
When she comes to clean, if I'm home, she talks to me...a LOT. Takes her twice as long to get done. I usually try to go somewhere because the exterminator was coming for his monthly visit, and the poop lady was coming. So I had to be here to pay them. She talked and talked and talked, and then told me she felt it was so easy to talk to me because I'm such a good listener. I figured out that people must like the deer in the headlights look, followed by silence. I thought I just was being quiet because I didn't have anything to say, or a chance to get a word in if I did, but evidently I'm a great listener and so understanding and easy to talk to. Go figure.
Well, nothing else happening.

Facebook Breakups

2011-01-04T14:26:00.000-06:00

No one told me when I made a Facebook account.....

My son brings home a girl for Christmas...I add her as a friend.....He breaks up with her today.....I get to read all the "is it true that time heals all wounds" posts she is making. My daughter said we should write and tell her she's probably better off. ha. I just feel bad for her. I liked her!

I'm in Nashville having fun with the grandkids. My poor husband is at home, and water is out all over the city. (I didn't know water could go out.) He said barely a few drops coming from the tap. He said when he went to bed, the news said they would have the problem fixed by morning. When he woke up this morning, they said by tonight. We have a water cooler with spring water, so at least he (and the dogs) have some water. Anyway, I thought about them when I took my nice warm shower this morning. :)

This one is for Amy

2010-12-30T19:52:00.000-06:00

I said I'd post more often--that is true, but I do have a good excuse. My dear loving mother-in-law that can't stand me is here visiting. She's been here nine days and I have one more to go. Now for the good news. We have a grandson, Benjamin Robert Williams, born Dec 28 and weighing 8 lbs 7 oz. Despite a little scare when the nurses thought he was not peeing and freaked us all out, he peed and pleased us all, so we relaxed. He's precious and adorable. Aren't those typical grandmother words?
I've had Claire, my granddaughter visiting, and we've had a lot of fun together. She got to sleep with me, and her dark conversations are so cute. For instance, this morning she woke up before the sun came up. She wiggled and grunted and finally, when none of that seemed to rouse me, she kicked me. I leaned up and looked at her, and she said, "Granny, I'm AWAKE!" I said, "Well Granny's sleepy and it's not daytime yet so why don't we sleep a little longer?" I got a big sigh, and then a resigning, "Ok..." We slept for about thirty more minutes and then she said, "Granny, I'm awake AGAIN!" ha.
We went to Chucky Cheese and she loved that. She has really kept me entertained for the last few days. She sang me Christmas carols. She taught me all about the cool kid sites on the computer, and I now know all the cartoon characters names.
Last night, she was in the tub, and I mentioned that Granny's bathtub has bubbles. After she was done, dry, and dressed, she decided she wanted to see the bubbles. I filled the tub back up and she peered over in there while I turned on the whirlpool. The noise scared her and she ran out of the bathroom and said Hurry Granny, get out of there! :)
We had a nice Christmas, but two of my kids could not come home. Cindy of course, was very pregnant and could not travel, and David had the flu. However, Chris and his girlfriend (Ok, he says she's not, just a girl he sees naked, his words not mine) came from Arkansas. I really like her and wish she was his girlfriend, but of course he would never want someone mom picked.
My daughter got me a gift card from Amazon and I found out my favorite author has a new book coming out, so I ordered it and can't wait to get it! I loved her Cold Rock River. This one is called All That's True.All That's True
I'm still drawing. Taking a class online at www.drawingtutorialsonline.com. I'm having a lot of fun with it. I'm going back up to my daughter's in Nashville on Monday to stay with her a few days. I'm looking forward to seeing the grandbabies again. That's all the news around here. Mother in law leaves TOMORROW!

Family Gossip

2010-11-18T10:13:00.000-06:00

When I got divorced, my sister told me that I was going to ruin my kid's lives and they would be screwed up adults. Well, they aren't. They are all doing fine. On the other hand, here is a report on my sister's kids...
Oldest son- Having an affair with a waitress, wants a divorce from his wife but still wants to control her household. Was putting money in her account to pay household bills each month, since he hasn't actually filed for divorce yet, but this month all her checks bounced because he didn't put it in there and didn't tell her. The waitress is a foul-mouthed hussy, but I guess that's his new type. He has two gorgeous little boys and his wife is so nice.
Middle child-daughter. She has a cookbook out and seems to be prospering in her new career as a cooking celebrity. She has the filthiest house you've ever seen, only cleans it when she knows they will be there to take pictures. Her dad said if the police were ever called out there, they would take her kids. She loves to cook, but never washes a dish. My mom went over and there were dirty dishes in both sinks, covering the counters and stashed in the oven. She also got an order this week for four cookbooks, spent the money and then had her mom pay for them to send. She once ran up eight credit cards, didnt' want to tell her husband, so her mom paid them off. She promptly ran them all up again.
Youngest daughter- Pregnant four times, has two kids, different dads, was not married to either of them. Was married once for two weeks to a guy she met on a plane and got engaged to by mail because they had never spent but two hours together in person. Got involved with a guy recently, but when he switched girlfriends, she harrassed the new girlfriend to the point that the girl filed suit and had her arrested for threatening her and riding circles in her driveway. But it worked out because she started dating the deputy who arrested her, so they dropped the charges saying there was not enough evidence. The new girlfriend called her place of employment to tell them of her arrest, and when her boss asked her about it, she cussed him out and now has a job with a different company. She is a registered nurse and her mom pays her bills because she's always broke.

I never see these people, but my mom gives me updates when she calls. I thank God every day for my poor "divorce-affected messed up" kids who have great lives and BRAINS.

Home from the Cruise

2010-11-11T19:04:00.000-06:00

Got home today from a five day cruise I went on with my son (husband had to work). No, we were not on the ship that got stuck in the middle of the ocean with no electricity, thank goodness! We had smooth sailing and it was really nice. I hope to plan another one maybe for next fall.
While I was gone my husband had a security alarm system put in. He's a constant lock checker, and is always concerned someone will try to break in. So if it makes him feel better and check the locks less often, fine. We did have an attempted break-in in our neighborhood a month of so ago. And the people were home and it was at 10AM! They heard him break out the window and when they ran to see, he ran off. So as Antwone says...he was so dumb, for real.
I discovered karaoke on the cruise ship (I'm always behind the current events curve by years). No I didn't sing, but I had a lot of fun watching those who had enough nerve to do it. And singing ability was no pre-requisite, evidently. I wish I had enough nerve to have done it once. I think it's going to have to go on my bucket list.
Tomorrow I will actually weigh and see what I gained on the cruise, so I can get it back down this week. Usually, it's not as bad as I think it will be, because of all the walking. And we did a lot of walking, and took a lot of stairs (elevators take forever!)

Ewwww Gross!!

2010-11-05T08:53:00.000-05:00

So ok....my daughter read my "update" and said I left out the best story. I told her I was hesitant to leave that story because I didn't want you all to think we were a trashy bunch. ha. But anyway, here goes.
About two months ago, my husband called and said a woman called him at work and said she was the manager of the apt complex where his daughter lives (the one he never hears from unless she wants something). The lady said her husband had been removed and taken to the mental hospital, and she was very upset, and they were there taking pictures..so he went over. I don't really know what her husband did, or how anyone knew anything about him, as he and my step-daughter are both hermits, but the sherriff's office came and got him and took him, with a court order. When they left, the people from mental health and the apt people were surprised to see that he didn't live alone. They said they knew he had a wife on the lease, but no one had ever seen her. Well, the apartment was beyond nasty (Have you ever seen the hoarding show on tv?) and they went in and took pictures.
Of course, she was crying, and my husband called and asked if he could bring her home, and he did. When she walked in the back door, I was all the way at the other end of the kitchen, and the smell made me gag. Her hair was all matted and sticking out everywhere, and she smelled to high heaven..I said, Wait. Let me get you a change of clothes and you can take a shower. I did, and she did, and she came out and smelled just about as bad as she did when she went in. We later found out the last bath she had was over six months ago....or washed her hair, or brushed her teeth (she was missing one of the front ones). I'm a germophobe, so I was freaking out. He tried washing the clothes she was wearing but they were really gross, so he went and bought some. I got all freaked out and was crying, scared to death she was going to move in with us, and scared she was going to bring some kind of bugs into the house. (She said her apt was infested with spiders, roaches, and fleas, and it was...) My husband took her the next morning to the apt, and he called back to say it was beyond anything he could ever imagine. He said he got garbage bags and shoveled garbage into them for hours and cleared a path about two feet from the front door. It took him days to get back to the other rooms. They had a cat that had long since filled the litter box and had gone everywhere for months, years?
He said spider webs were hanging everywhere like a haunted house, and the smell would knock you down. He later found out that the reason no one was bathing is the tub was filled up with trash just like the rest of the house. So if you're wondering, no, I never went over there. My husband said no way could I go, and he was right. He said he knew I'd have a coronary and he'd have to deal with me and that mess. So I stayed home and cried a lot.
Anyway, he and I talked, and we both realized she needed some professional help, so he took her to mental health, but they wouldn't hospitalize her because she was not suicidal or homicidal...but made her an appt to see a counselor in a month (which she did not go to, even though I offered to drive her). My poor husband spent days trying to clean the apt, and he had her helping, but after four or five days they hadn't made a dent. The apt people said they would help, and would send out a crew, so my husband let them as he had to go back to work. The plan was that they would get the trash cleaned out, and then move them into another unit so that they could go in, take out the carpet, fumigate, etc in that one, and that they would never be allowed to have pets, and that someone would be constantly checking on them to see the condition of the place.
Well, that was the plan, but we don't know if any of that ever happened. Her husband got out of the hospital, and despite our efforts, they have not responded to seeing us or us picking them up to go to dinner or anything. So we have no idea what happened. Of course, my husband was very upset that they had been living that way, and that she didn't seem to mind it really bothered him. And now he won't hear from her unless there is a crisis again. But he promised me, she will not live with us.
And yes, I'm a nutcase too, because I spent days washing and rewashing the sheets, scrubbing that bathroom, febreezing by the gallons, and finally got this place into something I wasn't afraid would have their cooties in it. So that's been my BIGGEST news since I last posted...

Where did the year go?

2010-11-04T08:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted, but I guess that's obvious. So I thought I would write something to catch everyone up.
My granddaughter was born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (hole in the diaphragm) and it re-herniated this year, so last month she had surgery to correct it. She developed a c-diff infection at the hospital, and then a urinary tract infection. The problem is the antibiotic for the UTI wipes out the good bacteria in her colon which allows the c-diff to flourish. She's taking an antibiotic for that too. So it's been, as my daughter put it "going around and around" trying to get her well. The doctor wanted to do a scan of her kidneys this week, but because her urine culture showed infection, he cancelled it for now.
I'm leaving Sat to go on a cruise with my son, David. We are driving to Mobile, and then sailing to Progresso and Cozumel. I've been on this cruise several times, so am not too excited over the ports, but I am looking forward to five days of not having to cook or clean. My husband has been out of town on business for the last three weeks. He will be home Saturday, but I won't see him until I get back from the cruise, as I will be leaving before he gets here.
Several of my friends have been going through big personal issues, but I seem to be doing pretty good in my life, even though our family has had several big issues ourselves. I feel very happy right now. The doc put me on a new antidepressant about six weeks ago, so that probably has a lot to do with the good mood.
We are expecting a grandson in December, and also the yearly visit from my mother-in-law. I'm very excited about one of those. :-) Actually, I'm very relieved to be going to stay with my granddaughter while my daughter is at the hospital, as it will get me out of the house during part of the MIL's visit.
I'm still doing clerical work for Project Hope to Abolish the Death Penalty. With our recent election results, I doubt the death penalty is going to be stopped here anytime in the forseeable future. I still write to several prisoners, including one on death row. The woman I was writing to got released, and I'm very happy for her. She got married, is working, and is doing fine. I know her mother, and she's very relieved to have her home.
My ex is a friend of my daughter's FB page, and it shows him with no shirt, covered with tattoos. I cringe every time I see it on her page. I think, "EWWWwww." He had no tattoos when I was with him, but then we were both very young when we married, and fairly young when we divorced. I guess he went through his tattoo parlor stage after that and thinks a fat guy with no shirt looks good. :-) There are just some men who look much better in clothes!!
My husband and I went through some marriage counseling this year. We had grown apart and had really stopped sharing much of anything with each other. I think the counseling has improved things. We both are more accepting of each other's differences, and we have learned how to disagree and still be able to discuss it with each other, instead of holding resentments. We saw the same therapist that I had been seeing, but that was his idea. I was very happy to have her do it, as I didn't have to say a lot. She knows me and my background very well.

I started drawing about a month ago, (the picture is supposed to be Scarlett O'Hara) and I started doing artist trading cards and trading them with people all over the world on atcsforall.com. It's been a lot of fun. Then a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for The Sketchbook Project, and I'm steadily trying to fill my sketchbook with graphite drawings before the Jan 15 deadline. I draw one, count the remaining pages, draw another, count...Deadlines drive me nuts. The theme for my book was "help" but they said you can be very liberal in interpreting that. So I'm doing mine on helping take care of the earth. On the first page, I drew an eye, crying, and the iris is Earth. Then the other sketches are of plants, animals, vegetables, etc. I plan to take it with me on the cruise so that I can work on it. I don't draw anything from memory, as my memory is not trustworthy these days....but I run off copies of photos I like from google images, and draw from them. I have found, though, in drawing people, it's much easier to draw from life than from a picture.
Let's see...my doctor is sending me to a plastic surgeon to see about having a repair done on my tummy. I've had four abdominal surgeries and my belly is not how it should be. We will see if the insurance will pay for this, and if not, I won't be having it. But if they do, I will be very glad about that.

I just ordered a new pair of flipflops from Amazon to take on the cruise (with overnight shipping) and paid $20. I still can't believe I paid 20 bucks for a pair of flipflops. (shaking head) but they are cute. And it is very hard to find flipflops this time of the year. But they are freaking flip flops!
My son bought us this little box for our tv that lets us watch netflix movies on the television. I've discovered "Weeds" and "Dexter" and am in the middle of catching up on past seasons. I don't watch much television, so miss a lot of the shows everyone already knows about.
My son and I went to Lowe Mill in Huntsville not long ago. They have artist studios and on Saturdays they are open for all local artists to come set up a booth. I love walking around and looking at all of it. It's three stories (in an old mill) and free admission. I plan to go back and take my husband to see it all when he gets home (and I do). Anyway, while I was there, I ran into a lady I knew from La Leche League back thirty years ago. She does abstract art, sort of Pollack style, but with really pretty colors. I am not too sure she remembered me, but she acted like she did.
I got a really bad haircut about six weeks ago, at the same place I've been going to for many years. It's a walk-in place with no appointments and I've always taken whoever was available. Well, they had some new hairdresser that was very vocal about being from Miami and being so up on the latest styles, and what she gave me looked like a mop on crack. So I let it grow as much as I could stand, then went back to get it cut again, and found out (thank goodness) that she had been fired. I was glad because I was afraid I'd have to limit my visits to that salon on days she was not there. Anyway, now it's really short, and although I bought hair color some time ago that is sitting in the bathroom cabinet, is almost completely gray now. I saw a picture of a lady with long gray hair and again, I wish I could let my hair grow out like that, but it never will when I keep getting it cut. ha. I hate it in the "in between stages."
Well, my niece came out with a cookbook and is now something of a local celebrity, and my mom calls me much more often to discuss my sister and my niece and all that they are doing. Several of my recipes were in the book, but of course she mentions every distant relative in the included stories, except for me. Once again, I feel very "black sheepish." My mom made sure to send me the cookbook, a magazine that had an article about the cookbook, showing pictures of the family. My daughter said it best, "Why don't you tell her we don't care!" But, of course, I don't. I let her go on and on about how wonderful they all are, and then I hang up feeling like sh*t. My mom has no idea that I draw, or that we've been in couple's counseling, or anything else about me, and never asks. But unless she calls to remind me of all of that, it's not something that really bothers me much anymore.
That's about all that's happened around here.. Until next time....

Addicted to Facebook

2010-05-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

For any of you who read this and don't know, I've pretty much given it up for Facebook. Who knows, I may come back to it at some point, but right now you can find me at facebook here.

My Bologna Has a First Name- It's R-U-S-H

2010-01-27T13:28:00.000-06:00

I went to the post office this morning, and evidently the last time my car was taken out was when my husband drove it, because it was tuned to Rush Limbaugh. He was saying how Hillary was shown getting off the plane in Afghanistan, and she looked really tired (imagine that after that flight). So Rush commented, "I have said this before, and this picture of her makes it even more obvious, that America would not want to have to watch a sixty-something woman aging in office."
This from a man who looks like this on a good day, and on a bad one just looks like the horse's ass he is.

The last time I actually listened to this idiot, he said, "And let's face it. No man wants to be with a fat woman, unless he thinks it's the best he can do." How do you spell idiot? R-U-S-H

And my husband likes him.

Shut the F Up

2010-01-20T18:54:00.002-06:00

I'm in the doghouse. When I married my husband, he and I were both moderates politically. With me, it depended on the issue. As the years have passed, he's become ultra conservative, and I've become much more liberal. And he listens to Rush Limbaugh and that radio talk stuff all day at work. So when he comes home, he starts about what is wrong with the liberals, how this country is going to hell because of Obama, blah blah. And me, I argue a little at first, then I shut up and don't say anything. Of course, he doesn't notice. He can go on and on for hours. He gets very emotional about it. I end up mad, and then for days I stew. No more.
I am growing a spine this year. Tonight we went to dinner. A nice dinner out. It's been awhile since we've had dinner out alone. So I was enjoying myself, until...of course, Ted Kennedy's seat etc came up, and he got on a role. I let him go for about fifteen minutes, thinking he would say what he needed to say and stop. No such luck. After fifteen minutes, I said, "You know, you and I see this differently, and I don't agree with you." He ignored that and continued to rant.
So I said, "Did you hear what I just said?" He said yeah, I heard you. Then he started up AGAIN. This time I said, "Look. You feel that way. I don't. I really don't want to hear this."
You'd have thought I had thrown acid on him with the look I got. So then we sat in silence. Of course, I tried to make small talk, but after awhile, there was not much use in talking to myself, so I stopped. He let me know by slamming down the pen and the receipt and his glass that he was mad. And I ignored it. I kept hearing my therapist in my head, saying, "You have to share your feelings. How the other person reacts is none of your business." So I kept repeating that to myself.
Of course, a big part of me wanted to say something to gloss it over and make it all go away. So I tried that. I said, "It's been a long time since we've had a nice evening together like this, and I'd like to spend it talking about something neutral." Silence.
So now we're home, and he's still not speaking. It's going to be a really quiet night and I'm not backing down. So there.

Christmas in Tennessee

2009-12-26T07:39:00.000-06:00

We had a great Christmas this year. We went to my daughter's house. Both my sons were there, too, and we got to watch my granddaughter open her Santa gifts. She said, "Presents EVERYWHERE!" ha.
Then they made a fabulous dinner (prime rib!) and we ate wayyyy too much. But it was wonderful. It was a good day, and we hope they will volunteer to do it next year. hint hint. :-)
I hope all of you who read had a great Christmas and have a very Happy New Year!

My Favorite Things Part 2

2009-12-17T04:09:00.001-06:00

Ok, I guess this is another of my favorite things posts. I finally found a comfortable bra that fits well and even washes well. I bought the first one about two months ago, so I've had some laundry experience with them. I've bought beautiful bras in the past that looked great until you washed them twice. But now I have my favorite bra, and it's made by Vanity Fair.

I also LOVE this program that allows you to journal and keep it online and private.It's called Efficient Diary. Before, I had "It's Personal" but it was pretty much just for text. This one lets you put pictures, colors, links, files, etc in it. I use it every day. And it's nice to have a place to say anything I want. I asked my son, the computer whiz, and he said it's very secure.

Now for my new favorite book. It's called The Help. If you haven't read it, you have to. You will laugh and cry reading this, and you won't be able to put it down. It's about Southern women and their maids, but it's told by the maids. So you get to hear what they think about their employers, and it makes for great reading. I've read it twice already.

And this is my absolute favorite green tea. I drink it straight and it tastes better than any I've had. I saw a television spot on the Today show that said people who drink green tea lose more weight than people who are dieting and don't drink green tea. So guess what I drink all the time. :-0

Here is my favorite new website. I loved How to Look Good Naked when the show was on. It has Carson from Queer Eyes, helping women feel good about their bodies. One of the most interesting parts of the show was when he took a woman into a group of women and had her sort them into who was larger than her, and who was smaller (as far as hip size). She always thought she was bigger than she was. I think this site has full episodes you can watch.

No Blues on the Cruise

2009-11-19T20:08:00.003-06:00

My son and I went on our cruise. I wish my husband could have gone but he didn't have the vacation days. It left out of Mobile, and because of Hurricane Ida ripping past LA (Lower Alabama), the cruise was postponed a day, changed from three ports to two, and one of those two was changed. But all in all, we had a really good time.
My son had frequent flyer miles so we decided to fly to Mobile. When the cruise got postponed, we didn't want to change our airline tickets and pay that fee, so we decided to go on and spend one night at a hotel. Our plane went from Huntsville to Memphis, and from Memphis to Mobile. (How crazy is that?) Anyway, it was one of those itty bitty planes that almost doesn't qualify as a passenger plane, and the turbulance had me really freaked out. Because of the hurricane winds, we bounced all over the sky and for awhile, I thought we were going down for sure.
I enjoyed getting to talk to my son. Hanging out with mom is not usually their favorite thing to do at his age, but he was great about it. One night in the theatre they had a show featuring Beatles music, which he now knows because of Guitar Hero (ha!) and during the show, neon green light sticks were passed out through the audience. It was really neat to see all those lights waving to Eleanor Rigsby. :-)
My son went up on stage to play trivia jeopardy, and did great but did not win, but the next day he played another game and won. He got the famous Carnival Solid Golden Plastic Ship on a Stick. He loved it.
We went to a origami class and made paper frogs that you can jump. We went to a towel animal class, and we watched (but did not participate in) a disco dance class (very Saturday Night Feverish).
I enjoyed the food but did a lot of walking and am happy to report my doctor said yesterday my weight stayed the same. No loss but no gain, so I was happy.
We went shopping in Cozumel and I bought a Coach bag. Ok, so for the price it might be a fake, but I wasn't sure. If I couldn't tell, no one else probably can either.
Now that I'm home, I am cleaning the house for Thanksgiving. Two of my children, one son-in-law, my granddaughter, and my mom are coming. I started making a shopping list today, and it got longer and longer. So I did a radical thing. I called Cracker Barrel and ordered a Thanksgiving Dinner for Six for take out. I pick it up Thanksgiving morning. I had them throw in a pumpkin pie. So I buy Cool Whip, make tea and we're good to go. And I won't be too tired to play with my grandbaby. I also got out of Christmas this year, and my sweet daughter volunteered to do it at her house. So I'm actually looking forward to the holiday season, almost. (Still have the mother-in-law to contend with.)

Stuff I Love

2009-10-28T06:50:00.010-05:00

I now have four penpals that are inmates. One on death row, two with life in prison and one who gets out sometime in the next couple of years. I went yesterday to Dollar General and they had the cutest Valentine cards for 50 cents each, so I sent each of them a Happy Halloween card. I figured a little bright color woulnd spice up their concrete and steel.
Speaking of good deals, I love having my contacts now that I've gotten used to them, and while the doctor told me to buy Replenish to use with them (and I did at first) I discovered Clear Care on my own and wow. This stuff REALLY cleans them and they feel so comfortable after using that stuff. They feel like having a new pair every day. It comes with this little jar and you fill it up to the fill line, put the contacts in the little baskets on their cap and put the cap on the jar. A disc made into the cap reacts with the chemical and you can actually see the fizzing as it cleans. After six hours, it turns into plain saline, so you can put them straight into your eyes. You do have to wait that six hours though, or they will BURN. So I soak mine overnight.

The next thing I bought recently that I love is Lodge's CastIron Enamel Dutch Oven in Carribbean Blue. I got mine from Amazon. Nothing sticks, it's as heavy as La Creuset, easy to clean, very heavy. It goes from the stovetop to the oven. I love, love, love this thing.

Ok, so I was late getting on the bandwagon on this one, but if you haven't tried dry cleaning in the dryer, that Dryel stuff really does work. Clothes come out smelling fresh and without wrinkles. One sheet does six items, so it's economical. I use it all the time, and no more dry cleaners.

>

Tide Total Care really does keep clothes looking newer longer, because your dark colors don't fade with washings. So I use it all the time now.

Avon Anew Ultimate Premium Elixir really does make you look younger. Really. I know how many products say they do that. But this one does. If you don't believe me, read the reviews online. Women love this stuff. I ordered the eye system by them to try, but haven't gotten it yet. Also, keep your butt out of the sun, and you won't age as fast. Make sure you get it in the black bottle and not the gold. The black is the PREMIUM kind.

Whoever came up with Sudoku puzzles was a genius. I do them all the time. The inmates I write to do them all the time. My son loves them. They are just freaking fun and all you have to do is be able to count to ten. By the way, if you know of any other fun puzzles, let me know what they are.
Well, that's my household recommendations for the day. ha. No, really, when I find something GOOD, I will tell you.
Also, if you haven't seen these websites, they are worth looking at. www.centsofstyle.com, www.postsecret.com, www.librarything/suggester (put in a book you read and liked, it suggests others), www.recipezaar.com (I love getting my recipes from there) www.pogo.com for games, and www.jasoncage.com for "ear candy" (you can listen to funny stories). If you have some favorite websites, please list them in your comments. How do you spend your time online besides googling?

She Loves Me!

2009-09-16T15:19:00.003-05:00

Ok, how cute is that! I love being a Granny.
I got contacts. Before I had my lazy eye corrected, contacts were not even an option. So because I'm old, and half blind, the doctor gave me monovision, one for distance, and one for reading. I'm adjusting and think they will work out well. It took me some time to figure out how to take them out (putting them in was easy). My husband reassured my efforts by saying, "They are not worth the trouble." "Why can't you just wear glasses?" "I think they are what are giving you headaches." (I have a sinus infection...headaches go along with that until the antibiotics kick in--It's NOT the contacts.) Anyway, they are new to me, but I think they are way cool. :-)
I went to South Alabama to visit the guy I know on Death Row. (Used to work with his mom.) I was scared to death going to a prison, going through the process to get inside, etc. But the visit went well. He was very grateful for a friend to visit.
I'm doing great on the antidepressants. I just need to take them, and not quit them when I feel better.
I'm looking forward to winter and getting out jackets and sweaters. I'm tired of gauze tops and flip-flops. My daughter is having Christmas at her house this year, so I can even look forward to that!
Thanks for all of you who read and encourage me. I really do appreciate it!

New Beginnings and Lipstick

2009-09-12T04:00:00.004-05:00

I wrote this, and thought I'd share with you. It's all true. My mom did leave my dad when I was nine. And I did pray for them to divorce. Although I had some guilt about that later, since my prayer came through, I figured God thought it was a good idea, too. Anyway, here goes:

Mama Wore Red Lipstick
No matter how many times I asked where we were going, my mom didn’t answer. I watched her face as she turned the steering wheel of our old gray Plymouth sedan down each street and around each curve, and I noticed that each time tears started to pool in her eyes, she batted them away. Her lips trembled but she held her chin high. Even though I knew she was upset, there was a look of determination in her face. Every minute or so, she looked in the rear view mirror.

She patted my leg, smiled at me, and I stopped fidgeting in the front seat, stopped asking questions, and just settled back in the dark automobile to watch the streetlights as we pulled onto the highway and listen to our suitcases rattling in the backseat as we turned the curves. At some point, I fell asleep with my head in her lap, her arm across my shoulders, and Patsy Cline on the radio singing about being crazy.

I awoke the next morning to Mama’s voice. She was standing between the beds talking on the telephone.

“I left him. I took Kathy and left. No, I’m not going back this time. I know no one will understand. Daddy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disgrace you, but I’m not going to change my mind this time. I’m not going back. Daddy, he’s killing me, a little at a time.”

I sat up on the big bed and looked around. I saw the wide window and the little card on the back of the door. As I realized we were in a motel, I got so excited. As an eight year old, the only time I had stayed in a motel was the one time my dad agreed to let us go on a vacation. We had gone to Florida for three days, and we ate in real restaurants, something my dad did not do when we were at home because they cost too much.

My mom hung up the phone when she noticed me standing in the doorway in my cotton pajamas covered with kewpie doll faces. She sat down on the plaid couch and patted the place beside her. When I sat down, she brushed back her hair from her shoulders into a ponytail and said, very matter-of-factly, “Your dad and I are getting a divorce.” I closed my eyes, pulled my knees up under my chin, and said a silent Thank you to God for answering my prayer. I had gotten so tired trying to get to sleep at night with all the yelling going on in the house, and I had begged God to make them stop fighting.

My mom pulled my face up, looked at me and asked, “You crying?”

I laughed and crinkled up my nose.

“No, I’m sweating. It’s hot in here.”

She got up and switched on the window air conditioning unit and cold air began to fill the room. I must have looked surprised because she turned and said, “We can run the damn air conditioning now anytime we want to.”

I giggled, ran, and stood in front of it, stood there until my ears ached from the cold air, and my mom made me go get dressed.

We had breakfast at The Pancake House. I didn’t know how to order off the menu. It had all these pictures of plates of food and all of them looked good to me. The waitress said, “What’ll you have, kiddo?” I pointed to one of the pictures on the menu and my mom told her that I’d have bacon and eggs, eggs scrambled, with cheese. Cheese! I get to have cheese!

“Uh, can I have chocolate milk?”

“Sure. Bring her some chocolate milk, too.”

I looked closely at my mom. She had put on a pair of checkered pedal pusher pants, the kind Daddy never let her wear, and she was wearing red lipstick. Red! Daddy had said only bad women wore makeup.

The vinyl booth seat had a split in it and the cotton was sticking out, but I thought this had to be the most beautiful restaurant I had ever seen, with the sun shining in on my mama’s brown hair and shiny red lips. The windows had checkered curtains, the waitresses had little white aprons, and there was a big neon jukebox sitting in the corner.

Mama saw me looking at it and dug in her change purse for a quarter.

“Three for a quarter!” she said. “What song do you want to hear?”

“You mean it? Uh, I don’t care. You pick ‘em.”

Mom got up and walked over to the jukebox. She put in a coin and came back to sit down just as Tammy Wynette started singing that her D-I-V-O-R-C-E became final today. I knew what that meant. It meant my mom would not be crying at night anymore. It meant she could go out shopping and buy herself a new dress to wear to work without having Daddy screaming at her to take it back. It meant I could leave hominy on my plate if I hated it without getting a lecture about how only spoiled little girls waste perfectly good food. It meant we could stop at the dime store without Daddy asking why we had taken so long to get home. It meant Mama could be paid on Friday and not have to hand it over to Daddy as soon as she got home.

When the next song came on, my mom pulled me to my feet and we both began to giggle and laugh as we danced in the middle of the diner to Chubby Checker urging us on, “C’mon baby, let’s do the twist!” Mom twisted her feet, turned her hips back and forth, and said, “Like this! Do it like this!” She reached down and held my hands and we twisted together while the waitress smiled at us and people sitting at the stools turned and watched.

I know some kids think a divorce is an ending in their lives, but in mine, in 1965, it was a beginning. It was the beginning of my mom’s laughter, of my sleeping at night without being afraid, and of both of us dancing together for the first time. I got cheese in my eggs, chocolate milk, and air conditioning. Everyday if I wanted. And Mama wore red lipstick all the time.

Kicking the Kitchen

2009-08-31T06:46:00.002-05:00

So what do you do when you know you're depressed, you don't really want to see anyone, and your medicine hasn't kicked in yet? You tear up your kitchen. You take everything out of the cabinets and drawers and pantry and you toss and reorganize. And it's AMAZING how great this job is to do. It takes away the nervous feelings with all the bending, stretching, and lifting. It gives you a real sense of accomplishment one cabinet at a time. And it is very freeing when you see the last of your "giveaway" pile being hauled off. That's what I've been doing for several days. My husband has been working (and cussing) a model he bought and wanted to put together at our kitchen table, so I've been doing the kitchen. I may even take some pictures when I get finished. It's shaping up, and just doing it makes me feel useful, which is a good feeling.
My sister had a stroke last Wed. I didn't find out until Saturday. I guess they forgot to call me. It was mild and she is at home recovering, with no lasting effects right now that they can tell. Scary, though. No high blood pressure, ever, and she's only 57. Keep her in your prayers.
We had a nice dinner last night with my son. He came over to eat and watch tv for awhile. It was nice to see him. I think my daughter, son-in-law and grandbaby are coming down this weekend. It will be good to see them, too.
I'm down 22 pounds now. Depression does have one positive effect I guess.

Dark Clouds Moving In

2009-08-27T06:24:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a hard post to write, because I don't like to talk about this. I've been off my antidepressants since last spring. I've done great. I've been out exercising, doing things with people, felt better, talked more, just felt alive. The last few weeks, I can feel the depression coming back, and it makes me so angry that this is happening. I feel exhausted all the time. My body hurts, and even shifting position in the chair is painful. I don't want to do anything, except maybe cooking. I don't want to talk on the phone, or go to the door, or have to talk to people at the pool, so I've made excuses not to go. When I do go to the pool or to play cards, every comments on how quiet I am.
I went back on my sleep medicine, but found the nights I did take it didnt make me feel any better the next day, so now I only take it on a night when I can't get to sleep any other way. But I don't know how to stop this cloud that is moving into my life.
I know me, and I know that major depression, which I have been diagnosed with, is a chemical thing, and that there are chemicals my brain is just not making that I need to feel myself. I'm not surprised as my brain has not been doing such a great job in other areas since menopause set in.
I called my doctor to ask if I could just go back on the antidepressants and how many should I take to begin them, and they said he wants to see me today.
All I want is to be normal. It's so frustrating to try so hard to be normal and then every day recognize yourself withdrawing and know it's not right. I feel so ashamed to feel depressed. I have nothing in my life that is upsetting to me right now. That's what makes me believe it has to be chemical, and I feel helpless to stop it.
Why can't I be like other people?

New Things

2009-08-24T14:23:00.004-05:00

My daughter, who is so talented made me this beach bag. How cute is that?

She has a web page on Etsy and does a lot of monogrammed baby items.

Ok, maybe I'm in a shopping mood...but I just bought the cutest spice rack. Isn't it cute? I get so tired of digging through two cabinets looking for spices.

Skype, Cooking and Playing Matchmaker

2009-08-18T18:49:00.004-05:00

I found a lady on Skype that does piano lessons on the computer. I signed up and start next week. I took piano lessons many years ago, until a divorce meant my ex took his beautiful Baldwin piano and left. Since he didn't play, and I did, that smarted some. But it was his piano.

I also started a cooking blog. Nothing fancy. Just what I actually make for dinner every night, when I cook. If you comment, please try not to lead people back to this one! I'd be disowned by my family if they knew what I said in here to you all. :-)
I lost that twelve pounds the dr told me to lose, plus some. Then he said my blood sugar was still up and I may have to go on medicine in December anyway. Really ticked me off. I may or may not take it. It was 101 fasting, which is not really that high. So we'll see.

My hubby and I went to see District 8 with my son at the movies. Stay away! It was HORRIBLE. I fell asleep twice.

A neighbor decided I should fix up my son with her granddaughter. Even though i decided he would not appreciate that, and I wouldn't mention it to him, she keeps at me. Every time I see her, she mentions it again. I don't know how to put an end to it gracefully. She's not his type. She's a very nice, sweet, quiet girl, and he's into the bad girl stripper type. No they are not marriage material but I don't think that's what is on his mind right now.

Julie, Julia, and Me-- Boeuf Bourguignon

2009-08-14T18:12:00.006-05:00

Top Three Things Accomplishments in my Life-- One--Met and married (finally) a good man, Two--Gave birth to three beautiful children that I like as well as love, and Three--Made Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon.
I saw Julie and Julia two times. LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. Of course, I had to have Julia Child's cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, vol 1, which I received from Amazon this week. The food in the movie looked soooooooooo good. And looking through the cookbook, I saw several things I wanted to try, but the first one I had to make was Boeuf Bourguignon. Oh Julia. You're awesome, Lady.

I bought whole button mushrooms, a bottle of Merlot, lean stew beef, pearl onions, and unsalted beef stock. Everything else in the recipe I had. I spent fifteen minutes chopping and measuring before I began. Then I cooked for an hour or so. And here comes the hard part...I had to wait the two hours it simmered in the oven, when the aroma of the food made me want to eat it straight from the hot pan, and not dive in face first.

Finally, it was done...one more step- reducing the sauce, and it was ready. Break a french baguette, smear with a little butter, and use the rest of the bread to sop up that sauce...Oh God. Heaven. My husband said it smelled fantastic, and that if it tasted half as good as it smelled, we had a winner. Well, it tasted better than it smelled. Yes, there are simple recipes for Beef Burgundy-- but I bet it won't taste like this.

I've lived 53 years through a lot of meatloaf, chicken and dumplings, and cornbread. But I never knew something like this existed. If Julia Child were still alive, I'd hug her neck. I love you, Julia.

Now, what I learned...when you saute mushrooms..they soak up the butter from the pan immediately and they look so dry. But wait...keep stirring and after a couple of minutes they begin to glisten as the butter rises out of them, and they brown beautifully.

I learned to dry my meat before browning, and it actually does brown better.

I learned to crush my spices before dropping them in.

I learned to clean my mushrooms right before using, or they soak up the water.

I learned that I don't have very good cookware, and need new. I also learned that a cook as good as this who could make this heavenly dish needs new knives, too.

And I learned that "quicker and simpler" doesn't mean it will be delicious. Good maybe, but not drop dead lust over food like this recipe.

Oh. Julia. We wondered how you got your husband, Paul, to chase you around the bedroom daily. I bet the smell of this was in the air, and he was so turned on, he took it out on you.

As my granddaughter says....YUMMYYYYYYYYYY.

Say Whatttt?

2009-08-09T10:58:00.004-05:00

I joined this thing a long time ago, online, called Girlfriend's Cafe, a social network for women to meet other women for friends. Then, as with most things I do online, I forgot all about it. One day a couple of weeks ago, I got a message that I had an email on the site, and it was from a lady in my town. She said she didn't know many people and was just looking to meet some women she could go out shopping or have lunch with. We wrote a couple of emails and talked about our kids. Then she said she didn't want to email but would prefer to talk on the phone and could she have my number. I said sure. The day she was suppose to call, I forgot all about it, and had my phone in my purse in the bedroom, so missed all three of her calls. She left messages, so the next day, I was in the car and had awhile to drive, so I called her back. She talked a long time about her husband's surgery, etc. Then she called me again Friday, but I was on my way out the door and couldn't talk. She asked if we could have lunch this week, and I told her my daughter will be here all week, and it's not good for me. After we hung up, I started thinking about it. I really didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. I honestly can't remember much she said on the phone either time. That sort of freaked me out. Was I not paying attention (I thought I was as I carried my half of the conversation for quite awhile) or am I being forgetful? Is this Alzheimer's like my dad? All this passed through my mind. Why can't I remember anything? Part of me just feels really overwhelmed, and I realized I don't want to be friends with her, because it feels like an obligation I have to take on. I know how awful that sounds, and how she'd be better off without me, because I don't think I make a very good friend.
Now I go through...is it her when she calls? Do I have to answer? Can I just put her off until she loses interest? What would she think if I admitted I don't remember anything she's told me? Am I losing it here?
I'm feeling really scattered lately- almost like PMS, but it's a little late for that. I'm antsy, my mind wanders, I sit and stare at the tv and miss whole sections of the show. I read and have to keep going back. And I feel so tired. I was taking m blood pressure medication but started feeling so weak. So my husband took my BP and it was 100/45. I stopped taking it but then started swelling up because I don't have the duiretic in it. So..some days I take it, other days I skip, and I feel wiped out.
Yes, this is a wandering rambling post, but it fits how I feel right now.

I Took the 43 Things Personality Test

2009-08-09T10:58:00.001-05:00

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Romantic Self-Knowing Believer

More of the Same Ol' Stuff

2009-08-03T12:23:00.004-05:00

I haven't updated my blog in awhile, and I'm not going back to read what I've written before, so if I repeat myself, well...I'm old, get over it. ha.
We had a good weekend in some ways and bad in others. We saw two movies, Orphan (good if you like scary movies) and Ugly Truth (sort of a chick flick written for guys, who won't go see it, and the women who do won't like it, although..the woman behind us thought it was hilarious and laughed louder than anyone I've ever heard). I stuck with my diet. I'm down 19 lbs. I had been stuck for quite awhile, and now seem to be edging down again.
I dyed my hair red, because I felt like it. I think I like it, but I'm not sure yet.
I lost my calendar book, the one I carry in my purse with every appointment, address, phone numbers, etc in it, the one my life is planned on, the one I'd be lost without. I've searched everywhere, so it's gone. I bought another one, but haven't even attempted to start putting things back into it yet. I did call to make sure I didn't have a doctor's appt today, as I knew it was sometime in August. I lose things like this, and then I get mad at myself for not being more organized. Then I get organized for awhile, let it go, and lose something else important.
I told someone today I feel like I did when I used to have PMS, only I don't know what to call it when it's not PMS, it's menopause. She said you call it HELL. Sounds about right to me.
We signed up for a cruise with our townhome community for May of next year. About 20 couples are going. I'm going with my son on one in November. I'm looking forward to both of them. Also worried about the money they cost.
Well that's about it around here.

My Son's Living Room Sign

2009-07-28T20:15:00.000-05:00

My son made this webcam to a sign in his living room. Leave him a message. He would love it.

Something about Saturday

2009-07-11T17:53:00.003-05:00

My son came over today and rewired our satellite dish so our Tivo will quit giving us error messages. I made lunch and dinner. For lunch we had grilled salmon, asparagus, spinach, and a baked potato. For dinner, we had penne with marinara and turkey meatballs, with salad (and fresh tomatoes). I've lost eighteen pounds since May 13. I love going to the pool and exercising with my friends, and since I stopped taking the med that caused me problems with the sun, I can go twice a day. I walk, do push ups on the side, leg lifts, squats, "ride the bike" with the noodle, and do scissors. We also do a lot of arm exercises that I don't know how to describe.
My mother-in-law was here for ten days and left on Thursday. I took her to play cards at the senior center, and also took her on a driving tour of some of the historical sections in our city and neighboring areas. She seemed to enjoy it. My husband said she seemed much less negative this time. I relaxed and went about my daily activity, and she seemed fine with that.
My youngest son had an awesome idea for a book, and I'm hammering parts of it out in my head. I think I'll start soon trying to get a basic outline of the chapters done. I'm not ready to talk about it much yet. I also came up with a great title of another book I'd like to write. Who knows, I may stop procrastinating and do some writing again. It's been awhile.
I think this is the best I've felt in twenty years. I know the depression is better. I don't feel tired all the time like I used to. I'm eating better, healthier, and it's become more habit than effort. I'm still going to my OA meetings once or twice a week. I also started sponsoring a young girl in another country by email.
My friend came and cleaned my house yesterday. So now it's all clean at one time, which is a great feeling.
I don't know what I'll do for fitness in the winter when the pool closes. I'm did order a Richard Simmons DVD, but I'm also looking into fitness centers and joining an indoor pool nearby. I have to figure out something to keep my momentum going.

My Neighbors Like Me!

2009-06-30T21:28:00.002-05:00

I wrote in a previous post that I had been going to an exercise class in our neighborhood pool in the mornings, but because of a medication I'm taking causing sun sensitivity, I had to stop going. I was really disappointed, because even though I know all the exercises and can do them alone in the evenings, it's SO much more fun to do them with the group.
One of the ladies told me at cards last night that if I'd come at 6 tonight, she would exercise with me. I went and ALL the women were there, and even three of their husbands! They didn't want me to exercise alone. Some of them even came after doing the water exercise this morning. I was blown away. I told them how grateful I am. We all did over an hour of exercise and had so much fun! They are all coming back tomorrow!
They also asked if anyone had plans for the 4th, and none of us did. We decided to all get together at the clubhouse/pool and grill Saturday. They said any family visiting was also welcome. So we can have a cookout and swim or whatever. I'm so HAPPY. :-)
I've spent most of my life isolating, and now I find out how much fun having friends can be!

Summer Stuff

2009-06-29T07:37:00.004-05:00

Summer is going back so quickly. My mother-in-law is coming today for a ten day visit. I have an OA meeting this morning, and then I'm picking her up at the airport this afternoon. My husband has taken vacation for most of the days she will be here, but couldn't get off today. We booked ourselves for cards tonight and tomorrow. I hope she's not too tired from the trip. They have to have groups of four, so if she declines, it will mess up the numbers. My husband says I worry too much.
I've been exercising at the pool, and have gotten a bad sunburn, even with heavy 85 SPF sunscreen. I finally put two and two together and found out that one of my medications is the worst for sun sensitivity. Everyone kept saying my arms didn't look sunburned, but looked more like a chemical burn. So I guess that makes sense. I've been taking aspirin and putting on burn gel and it seems to be helping. One lady in our exercise class was stung by a wasp last week when it floated by. Ouch.
I'm still going to OA and have lost 12 pounds. That is the amount my doc wanted me to get off before I see him again in August, so he should be happy. I hope to lose quite a bit above that before then. I'm going on a cruise in November with my son and it would be nice to have lost enough to have to buy clothes that fit. :-)
I did buy a bathing suit in a smaller size, because I was afraid I wouldn't find any bathing suits in the fall to buy. It's cute and just seeing it in the closet makes me motivated.
My husband is losing from the fallout of my eating program, the way I'm cooking, etc. I admit I do feel resentful when he orders big fried dinners at restaurants at times though. He can cut back a little and still lose. It takes more effort for me.
My son and his finace are coming next weekend for the 4th. My daughter and the wee one are coming next week. My granddaughter is growing like a weed! I'll post a pic with this post.
A lady from OA said she uses the Biggest Loser cookbook and makes meals for her family--that they are simple ingredients and the kind of food people actually eat, not fancy fancy stuff. I think I may order one on payday and check it out. Although I do like the fact that my husband is now pretty much convinced that eating out is as cheap for two as cooking. I don't want to blow that idea by cooking a lot. :-)
Our favorite cheapo buffet here in town had a 78 rating when we went there last week. We didn't see it going in, and almost didn't see it going out as they had a potted plant in front of it. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand, I don't think I'll die from a 78. I've seen some of the things they count off for, and they are stupid. I'd hate to see what most home kitchens would get rated. But then there is that big fear that you'll get food poisoning and have been warned. ha. But like I said--it's a cheap place to eat. Maybe they'll get their rating up soon.

Sanity in the Storm

2009-06-17T08:15:00.003-05:00

What a week! I can't believe it's just Wednesday.
I went to an OA meeting Monday, and someone asked me where I grew up, and it got around to my grandmother, and I burst out crying. You know...one of those "Why am I crying? Where did this come from?" cries. They all just loved me through it and let me talk, although I didn't know what to say. I kept telling myself not to be embarrassed, it's ok to cry. When I came home, I didn't immediately want to stuff the feelings back down with food, which is a big thing with me. I've been working this program since May 13, and except for one insane day have been "abstinent" from overeating. I'm using a free program online to track my food called Nutrawatch, and I send it every evening to my sponsor. I go to meetings twice a week in person, and do some online meetings. I'm journaling...that's huge. And I read OA and AA books (AA is the same program. You just have to substitute "FOOD" for "ALCOHOL" and "Compulsive overeater" for "alcoholism". Same program. Same message. Same thing.
We went to play cards Monday night. We'd been playing about an hour (my team was losing big time) when the power went off and the hail started. At first it sounded like regular hail, which in Alabama is a common thing in spring and early summer. Then it started sounding like someone was throwing baseballs at the windows. People were running back into the closet. I wanted to see, but I was afraid to stand too near the windows. I tried a peek but it was raining in sheets and there was no visibility. When the hail stopped and the rain let up a bit, we came home. Of course, the power was off all night until 130PM yesterday. All our frig food thawed out. Our freezer food was ok though. I called the insurance to check the roof and told them about losing the food. They said they don't cover food unless the power is out 48 hours. Great.
Then I called the utilities and they said several telephone poles blew down on the street behind us. Our fence in the back also blew down, but it belongs to the association so it's not ours to fix.
Saturday I took our dog to the groomers and the girl was new...She cut him pretty badly on his tummy. When they called us to pick him up, my husband went, and said they said they "knicked" him. Well, it was deep and he was whimpering and shaking. We had to take him to the emergency vet, and he cleaned it up and glued it closed, put a collar on him and put him on antibiotics. We had this $128 bill....I thought we should take it by there and talk to the groomers about it. My husband, who is a wimp like me, said let it go. But I needed to feel like an adult with a spine, so I did some slow breathing and went. I was nice. They apologized. They said the girl who did the grooming cried when she saw what she had done. I told them even the vet said it was just an accident. I told them I don't want anyone grooming them again but the owner lady. They said fine. And I offered to let them give us the vet bill in free grooms. They agreed to that. So I left there feeling like I'd worn my big girl pants for the day.
I'm still going to the pool to walk. We were going to start an aerobics class in the pool yesterday but the storm messed that up. Maybe next week.
I've lost nine pounds. I feel so much calmer and saner. That's all folks.

New Daughter-in-Law to Be!

2009-06-11T13:31:00.003-05:00

My youngest son is engaged! Here is a pic of the two of them together.

Here is the pic of the ring!

Moral Inventories and Prison

2009-05-28T13:10:00.002-05:00

I'm still going to OA, and I have fifteen days of not overeating. It's a good thing, because I got the results of my physical and I'm pre-diabetic. The doctor has given me three months to lose twelve pounds. So far, so good.
I'm working through the twelve steps. I did my fourth step inventory and finished it last night. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...." Mine took seventeen pages. I thought I knew everything I had ever done wrong until I started answering the questions and writing and boy...more stuff came to my mind. Well I held nothing back. Just wrote and wrote and wrote. Got it all out.
And I feel much better. I emailed it to the lady I asked to sponsor me.
There are OA meetings online now, but I also go to some about thirty miles away. My husband has gone with me a couple of times and is going with me tonight.
I got my hair cut, and I mean CUT. It's very short. My husband almost had a heart attack, but it took me like zero time to wash and dry it this morning. I'm not sure I love it, but I like it. And it will grow.
I've been writing to a guy on death row. He's the son of a lady I used to work with. I told him I would visit him sometime, and he sent me a form to fill out my info for the prison. They want a lot of info, including my social security number. He is suppose to turn this in in June. I've been holding onto this letter for weeks now. I know I'm one of the few people outside of immediate family who write to him, but I'm not sure I want my SSN floating around on paperwork inside a prison. I guess I'm going to have to tell him that, but I've been putting it off.
Well, that's all that's new around here. Same old, same old stuff.

What God Looks Like

2009-05-18T17:20:00.004-05:00

Quick update: Have to make this quick because we have cards tonight.
So...the OA group is a 12 step group which means you come up with a version of a Higher Power you can live with. Well, I realized that when I say God in my head I get this picture of a stern taskmaster of judgement. A man, of course (Baptist, of course.)
So I thought, I've got to have a new image of God. And I didn't figure God would mind, since God is not really male or female. That's my belief, anyway. So I thought about it.
You'll like this. Now when I say "God" I think of Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes. And I talk to her. I think God would be pleased. She's a nice lady to talk to.
As for me being a binge eater, I've been eating compulsively since I was eight. (Just ask my daughter.) I've been on EVERY diet imaginable. I even lost on some of them. But sooner or later, my food addiction (and it is) would rear it's ugly head and I'd gain it back and more besides.
I'm old. I don't care about losing weight and looking like a fashion model. I just want to be able to eat without it consuming my thoughts every minute of every day, and feeling so freaking guilty about what I'm eating. I want to get rid of baggage as much as pounds. Both would be nicer.

Short Update

2009-05-17T09:01:00.003-05:00

Since I went off the low carb diet last fall, I have gained and my eating is out of control. Last week I went to an OA meeting. I used to go years ago when the kids were little, and I'm starting back.
I know for me, diets don't work long-term. I have to do something drastic. I'll let you all know how it goes. I haven't overeaten since last Wednesday. That's a big thing for me, the queen of binges.
We got a new printer. Ours konked out a few weeks ago. I didn't know how much I used the printer until I didn't have one. My son came over last night and installed the new one. We can use it wirelessly from both laptops. I'm always amazed by technology.
My granddaughter will soon be two. My husband and I were talking about it last night and we were both amazed it had been that long since she was born. Seems like just yesterday I had called him to come get me so we could rush off to the hospital. She is growing so fast and looks more and more like her mom did at that age every day.

Trekkies, Roses, and Diamonds

2009-05-10T13:12:00.006-05:00

Yesterday we went to see Star Trek for my husband's birthday (last week) and he loved it. I'm not a trekkie but I have to admit it was a very good movie.

We went by the book store and met Elizabeth Bettina, the author of It Happened in Italy, a book about prisoner of war camps in Italy and how much better the Jews were treated there than in Germany. She signed a copy for me, noting it was the second book she'd ever signed in a bookstore. Of course, that is every writer's dream, to be sitting at the little table in the bookstore signing copies of your latest book. She was very nice, and gave us some of the stories behind the pictures in the book.

My son came by and brought me some roses for Mother's Day. They are beautiful flowers. My daughter sent me the funniest e-card. My youngest son will be calling later, I'm sure. He's a very late sleeper since he works the night shift.

Speaking of the youngest, he bought his girlfriend an engagement ring this week. He special ordered it, so it hasn't come into the local jewelry store yet, but since they had been looking at rings together, the proposal won't be a total surprise. However, she doesn't know he bought the ring. She wanted a certain look, and he found it in something he could afford. I'm happy for him. I like her a lot, and will be glad to have her as a daughter-in-law and future grandchildren's mother! (Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself.)

So to all you mom's out there, Happy Mother's Day. Kiss those babies.

Prostitutes and Frostys

2009-05-06T21:25:00.003-05:00

Busy, busy week. Three family birthdays, two doctor's appointments including the ol' annual physical, consoling a friend, a ton of laundry I never got to over the weekend, and on it goes.

I made a decision to turn off my computer and television every morning so I could make myself get off my butt and clean my house. So how is that going? I get up, work hard for about thirty minutes, and then collapse on the couch with BOTH the computer and the television on, and argue with myself over how lazy I must be, why can't I get this done, etc. etc.

I only had the cleaning lady once before she had knee surgery, and I really want to get EVERYTHING here clean at one time like she did, but the part of me that used to be able to clean the house from top to bottom in one day seems to have gotten lost somewhere through the years.

My friend called to tell me that she's a horrible person and all the reasons why, and I consoled her telling her how she's awesome (and meant it) and how she should stop beating herself up. All the time I'm beating myself up about all the things I should have done this week but didn't because I have no willpower, instead of being glad for all I DID accomplish this week. I also realized my grandmother is talking in my head. For instance, I haven't put away the last load of laundry yet, although it is folded in the basket. My grandmother's voice in my head says, "You haven't DONE the laundry until it's put away."

Lightning hit our internet box last weekend, so instead of taking that as a gift from God to get me to clean my house, I start searching frantically for an unsecured connection in the neighborhood I can use until my son comes over to hook up the new box.

My friend was complaining about her house being so cluttered, and how a lady from her church reminded her that "God is a God of order." I told her if he loves prostitutes and tax collectors, he surely loves us in spite of our messy houses.
So I have the best of intentions, really. I just lack motivation or energy or gumption or something. I am so jealous of people who start projects and finish them.

The doctor says I have Roseacea, and gave me this fantastic stuff called Metrogel that, in less than a week, is helping take away the redness. I add that to give hope to anyone reading this with Roseacea. He also said I had lost five pounds since I was there a month ago. That is a miracle. As I was talking to my friend, she said, "Hold on...I'll have a large Frosty." She was in the drive-thru at Wendy's. All I could think of was going to get me a Frosty so I would feel better, too. But I had a piece of strawberry cake instead.

Look at My "NEW" Table!

2009-05-04T13:02:00.004-05:00

My hubby moved my grandmother's table downstairs and it now takes one end of my kitchen. Everytime I look at it, I remember sitting at that table at my grandmother's house eating hot oatmeal with raisins. I'd love to add more vintage or vintage-look items to my kitchen as the budget permits. I really like the way it looks. I can see myself sitting there copying recipes or writing my short stories.

My son moved out into his apartment and I miss him something awful. I have to admit I enjoyed having someone here to fuss over and to cook for besides just me and hubby. I got up everyday and made his lunch. He said I'd have to come over to his apartment and make lunch for him everyday. ha. I hate empty nests. You get used to being needed for something and then you aren't anymore. (Honestly, I know that's not true, but that's how I feel today.) I miss my kids being little and running around while I made dinner.
I am making a strawberry cake today from a Paula Deen show. Here is the recipe:

Simply Delicious Strawberry Cake

Recipe courtesy Paula Deen

* 1 (18.25-ounce) box white cake mix
* 1 (3-ounce) box strawberry-flavored instant gelatin
* 1 (15-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
* 4 large eggs
* 1/2 cup vegetable oil
* 1/4 cup water

Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting
* 1/4 cup butter, softened
* 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
* 1 (10-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
* 1/2 teaspoon strawberry extract
* 7 cups confectioners' sugar
* Freshly sliced strawberries, for garnish, optional

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease 2 (9-inch) round cake pans.

In a large bowl, combine cake mix and gelatin. Add pureed strawberries, eggs, oil, and water; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth. Pour into prepared pans, and bake for 20 minutes, or until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove from pans, and cool completely on wire racks.
For the frosting:

In a large bowl, beat butter and cream cheese at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Beat in 1/4 cup of the strawberry puree and the vanilla extract. (The rest of the puree is leftover but can be used in smoothies or on ice cream for a delicious treat.) Gradually add confectioners' sugar, beating until smooth.

Spread frosting in between layers and on top and sides of cake. Garnish with sliced fresh strawberries, if desired.

I am not going to make the strawberry icing exactly as it called for, as I couldn't find strawberry extract. I am just going to make cream cheese icing and add a bit of the strawberry puree and a couple of drops of red food coloring to pink it up.

Musical Chairs, Oz, and Cheerios

2009-04-28T20:20:00.004-05:00

I've been paying homeowner's dues here since 2000, and it's only been in the last few months that I've actually taken part in any activities. I've never been in the pool, never used the tennis courts, never had family members use the playground. I did rent the clubhouse for my daughter's baby shower, but since I had to pay a fee to use it, I didn't look at that as a perk of my homeowner's dues, not really. So when we started playing cards at the clubhouse, I figured maybe I'm reaping some benefit of all those dollars.
Well, we had glass top tables and some pretty comfortable dining chairs, and that's what we've been using for cards. Our president decided that we really shouldn't be using those tables for our card-playing group, and she got WalMart card tables and folding chairs.
Well, I don't care what kind of table I sit at to play cards, but I'm pretty picky about what kind of chair I'm going to sit three hours straight in, and the new chairs suck. Some of the others figured that out pretty quickly, too, and so when we arrive to play, there was some musical chairs, or shifting of chairs. Last night our dear homeowner's president (drippy sarcasm there) announced that we must use the folding chairs and not the dining chairs, because the dining chairs are fragile. One lady immediately stood up to her and said she could not sit in the folding chairs because the seat was too short and they were uncomfortable. Pres lady said they are not shorter, etc..and on it went. So Pres lady leaves and chairs start moving all over the place. Seems no one wants her to tell them where they can sit. I can feel a fight coming on.
I don't like fights, and I don't like arguing, but I doubt this one can be avoided. I sat there last night thinking I probably won't get to play cards much longer, because I don't want to be there when the darts start flying. (Now as for me, I'm sitting there last night thinking what chair I can bring from home to avoid the whole question of which of the clubhouse chairs to use)
My question is, since I pay dues, and that means I own as much a chunk of those chairs as Pres lady, who is she to say what chairs we use. And if the dining chairs are fragile, what is she saving them for? Someone to rent the clubhouse only to have their guests dumped in the floor when the back breaks off the chair?
None of this may sound that interesting, but hey, it's the most excitement I've had around here in awhile.
So Dr Oz was on the View yesterday, saying we should all be prepared with food and water to be quarantined in our homes in case the Swine Flu gets out of control. My husband said he thought he'd run by the grocery and buy a little extra food to tuck away. He brings home three boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios and six cans of Mini Ravioli.
ha. I swear that's what he bought. And no milk for the cereal.
I figured out why I don't get much done in my house. It's because I'm addicted to tv and my computer. I decided to get up in the morning and check email, then turn off both until noon. I've managed to throw out three garbage bags of unwanted stuff and clean (and I mean CLEAN) two rooms, ceiling to floors and everything in between. And that's just yesterday and today.
At noon, I make lunch and watch All My Children. Then I get busy again. My house smells like Pine-sol. (NO, not the lemon kind!) I figure if I keep this up, I'll have the whole downstairs decluttered in two or three weeks. Now if I can just figure out how to keep my husband from going through the garbage bags. Maybe I can just distract him with some cheerios.

50's Chicks, Baby Chicks

2009-04-25T09:41:00.005-05:00

I found this blog where a lady is living as if she is in 1955, dressing, using vintage appliances, avoiding all radio or television after 1955, etc. She's doing it for the whole year, and other than the posting on the computer (which her readers supported!) she's being authentic. I'm sure there will be a book forthcoming from this at some time, but I think it's a fascinating idea. For one thing, I recognize so many of the things she is using, the patterns she is sewing with, the vintage frig she bought, the dishes. She's the one who tipped me off to the rip off with lemon Pine-sol.

I think I would make a great fifties housewife. I like cooking, cleaning, laundry. I don't mind staying home all day. I like fifties television and cookbooks. I even think the clothes and hairstyles are so cute.

We drove out to see my dad the other day. He was having a good day and even recognized my husband by name. My step-mom was at church, so he was able to talk to us freely, and his number one topic was my mom. He asked about her several times, how she is, does she live alone, etc. My mom has said if my step-mom dies before he does, she will go out and marry him again. At first, we thought she was kidding, but she's repeated it so many times, we have concluded she's serious. And from the way he talked, he'd have her back in a heartbeat.

He also talked a lot about visiting his funeral plots and having all his arrangements in place. That worried me and I thought about that a lot after I got home. I hope he's not trying to tell us he hasn't got much longer, because he's been doing so much better lately.

He also said one of his hens hid her nest so they couldn't find the eggs, and has hatched ten baby chicks. He put her and her chicks up so they could stay warm, and seemed excited by them, but angry at her for hiding those eggs.

The spaghetti sauce I made the other day from my ex's ex's recipe had too much red pepper flakes in it. I should have known better when I read how much....But, we've decided with a few tweaks, it could be a very good sauce, so I'm not giving up on it yet.

I made a cheese strata to take to card playing yesterday. It turned out well.
I bought some cute chicken recipe cards and a big wooden roll-top recipe box, and I'm redoing my old recipes for it. I like handwritten recipes, and have kept a box for most of my married life, but my box got too full and was bulging. I'm having a good time remembering recipes, ones I received from old friends and boyfriends (One said, "This is my mom's chocolate cake and fudge icing recipe. She doesn't share it with anyone, so I had to beg her to email it to me. When you meet her, don't tell her I shared it with you or she will kill me.")

I have one dear recipe I got from a older Southern lady, handwritten. She was telling me how to make good fried okra. She began, "I fry my OKREY a little at a time." There is a recipe for brownies from my childhood playmate's mom. A recipe handwritten by my daughter when she was eleven or twelve called "Do-Do Cookies". My boys giggled all the time about that one, but loved those chocolate, oatmeal bites that looked like do-do. I'm having a lot of fun.

I have my grandmother's formica top table with the chrome band edging, and red and green flowers, and her icy green chrome chairs in my upstairs bedroom. I have decided to bring them down and use them. A few of the seats are split, and since I'd never find this green ice vinyl to cover them in that looks authentic, I'm thinking of clear tape, duct tape, something. Any ideas? I can put those chairs at the back, and maybe even make some skirts for the seats or something. I loved that table. It was always the one my grandma used. I should be using it instead of hiding it away in the attic.
I'll post a picture of it soon.

And Another Thing....

2009-04-22T19:27:00.002-05:00

Another thing..this time about PINE-SOL. Both my grandmothers used Pine-Sol to clean their bathrooms, mop, and whatever else needed disinfecting in their homes. I grew up thinking Pine-Sol equals clean. I even know one woman who doesn't clean but just pours some Pine-Sol in her toilets when company is coming so they THINK she cleans. ha.
Well, I found out none of the scented Pine-Sol, including lemon which I switched to some years ago, have any pine oil in them, therefore having no disinfecting quality whatsoever. So it basically just takes the germs, mixes them around on the surface, and makes 'em smell like lemons.

Paper Towel Saga Part 2

2009-04-22T19:26:00.000-05:00

Hi Kathy,

We appreciate your feedback about the change in the number of sheets in some of
our Bounty packages.

We try to keep our manufacturing costs as low as possible so we can offer our
Bounty towels at an affordable price. Sometimes, though, costs of ingredients
or packaging materials increase, and we're faced with a tough decision.

We can either raise the price of our towels, or we can change the amount in the
package, as we did in this case. I’ll share your comments with the rest of the
Bounty team.

Thanks for writing.

Barb
Bounty Team

Incredibly Shrinking Paper Towels

2009-04-20T08:56:00.002-05:00

What the heck happened to my paper towels???!!! I've bought Brawny paper towels for years-- big, soft, fluffy rolls of Brawny. This week I went to the grocery and my Brawny rolls have shrunk by half, they should be called the Un-Brawny. I started looking at other brands, after years of being a Brawny customer, and you know what? They've shrunk, too. Scott towels are weasly looking rolls, Bounty is not bounty anymore but more like the 90 lb weakling at the beach. I was so frustrated, not just because I would have to buy two rolls now to do what one used to do, but because my soft, swiggisy rolls of paper towels now feel like skinny bricks.
So this tells you how small the circle of my life is. Other people are complaining about the stock market and I'm complaining about my paper towels. Not only am I complaining on my blog. I wrote the Brawny folks.

So I was talking to my friend, Dawn, and as she always jumps on my soapbox with me (what are friends for?) she started on washing machines. She said, "Don't you remember when you used to buy a washing machine or refrigerator and you knew you'd have that sucker 20 years or more until you finally just had to have a more modern-looking one. But that refrigerator would not die, oh no, it would still work just fine. With strong medal shelves (NO PLASTIC) and a solid sounding door. No more. Now they are hunk of junks that last five years tops, if you're lucky." With my refrigerator making this weird clunking every time the ice maker comes on, I thought maybe paper towels aren't going to be the worse thing I have to deal with...

Then I said it. I couldn't believe it when it came out of my mouth....."They just don't make things like they used to." And immediately I saw my grandmother saying it, my grandfather, my dad. Why is American junking down on what we sell? And why do I sound like old people?

TARGET is the DEVIL !!

2009-04-18T16:02:00.004-05:00

I got into a tussel with Target. The store here had a sewing machine on display with a price of $49.99, a Singer. I thought it sounded too good to be true, so I got an employee to come check. He scanned it and said no, that's their regular price, and although they are out of them right now, they do have some more coming in, or he can check other nearby stores. I said, "That's not a sale price? Do I need a raincheck?" "No, that's our regular price for that machine."

Ok, sounded good to me. He checked the store in Huntsville, and they had two. He asked them to hold me one. (You know where this is going, don't you?) So I sent hubby by there after work, they ring it up, and it says $299. So they called the store here and then tell us that it's our store's closeout price, but they are not closing it out at their store, so it's three hundred bucks.

I was very upset, but hubby did not want to argue with them so he left. He did stop by the store here and let the manager know how upset I was, but all he said was he would find out why the employee told me that (don't think he believed us) but his hands were tied. I swore I'd never go to Target again, but of course I will. How can you NOT go to Target?

No, I didn't really need a new sewing machine, but my old one needs repairing (my daughter is using the embroidery machine) and I figured if I could get one for that price, it would be cheaper than a repair. It all worked out, as I ended up finding a great deal on one from Amazon and used my gift certificate, so it ended well, despite Target.

My son got the job he'd been interviewing for in Huntsville. He was concerned because his third interview didn't go as well as the first two, but he got an offer. He starts a week from Monday. He's so excited; he went out and bought a new razor. ha.

I made Madeleine's today. I even bought the little shell-shaped tin to make them in. Very good to eat, very bad for a diet. I was just trying out a batch so I could make them for our card players Monday night.

Tomorrow I'm making a big batch of spaghetti sauce by my ex's ex-wife's recipe. (Following that?) All the time we were married, which wasn't long, either time (married him twice, confused yet?) he raved about this sauce, best he'd ever had. So I got him to ask his daughter to ask her mom for the recipe for HIM (she wouldn't have given it to me) and I've had it ever since. I never tried it. Ran across the recipe this week when I was sorting through some old papers copying recipes for my recipe box, and I decided to try it. It has a lot of spices in it, so who knows how it will turn out. Nothing like experimenting on my hubby and son. Neither complains, as long as it's edible.

Home Again

2009-04-08T08:46:00.003-05:00

My son and I arrived home last Friday after eight days on the road. We drove from Seattle down to Bakersfield, CA and then across Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee and then to Alabama. We went through California because this time of year, it's not easy to find all the roads open through the Rockies. We had to load the UHaul trailer. He had moved all of his heavy furniture into a storage unit, but had not packed any of his kitchen, baths, closets, etc, so had tons of boxes still to be loaded (and he lived on the third floor).
There were times both he and I were ready to give up. Taking the stairs that many times was killing us, we were both exhausted, and there seemed to be no end in sight. Add to that the fact that the landlord's husband came by while we were still loading the trailer to "inspect" the apartment. He kept walking around saying he "couldn't see the carpet because of the boxes." Well, duh. We finally convinced him to come back the next morning so we could have everything out.
My son had a huge deposit, so he's hoping he gets it all back. He was super careful with the apartment.
We figured out quickly on the road that we could not drive above 45-50 with the trailer before it began to fishtail all over the road, even though we did our best to distribute the weight on the wheels, and we put all the heavy weight on the hitch. So it was a long, slow trip.
We were exhausted when we got home, but it was a good trip. We saw the Grand Canyon, the Sequoias, Meteor Crater and The Mystery Spot. We had a long time to talk, and did very little arguing. He was a very easy person to travel with.
We had one bad motel experience (when he found a clean pillowcase over a bloody pillow!) and after that, we got a lot more careful about where we stayed. I came home even more of a germ-a-phobe than I was when I left.
When I got home, I had a new living room floor waiting. Yes, folks, after all that time of griping about hating my living room carpet, it's gone! I have a Trafficmaster Allure Oak floor, and I love it. The boy that helped my husband put it down said it was a horror to put down, though. I was hoping to get it throughout the house sooner or later, but I guess I'll have to be happy with the living room and hall for now. I really like it.
We are going to the Baptist church near our house for Sunday School and church. The lady who teaches my Sunday School class is also one of our neighbors and plays cards with us, as does her husband who is my husband's SS teacher. We have a big class, mostly women older than me, a truly senior class. Each week I go, I leave angry. This week, the lesson was about how to be saved and how there is only one way. I know how Baptist's believe, so I was not surprised by the lesson, even though I have broader ideas of God's mercy. But during class, they began to talk about Judaism, and how the Jews still take sacrifices to the temple every Sunday (what?), how there are a lot of stereotypes about Jews (then the Jew jokes came in, but only as an example of what we should not say, of course.....). Then they switched to Mexicans, Buddists, on and on. Basically how they feel uncomfortable around those foreign poor, misguided people who don't know the truth, or are different from us in other ways.
By the time class was over, I was exhausted, mostly because my emotions were raging and I kept my mouth shut. (I've seen people try to disagree with this teacher and it wasn't pretty.) I asked my husband if we could go home and just skip church, and we did. Then I came home and started wondering why it is that I seem all gung-ho on going to church when I start; then I always start finding things I don't like until I end up quitting completely. Of course, I figured the problem has to be with me, as nothing could possibly be wrong with the SS teacher, as everyone just loves her.
Then I tried to think last night where I feel comfortable with God and religion. It was standing underneath one of the Sequoias, looking into the Grand Canyon, watching a mother with her baby, holding a newborn puppy. That's when I feel God and when I feel closest to God. I don't feel him at all in that church building where we go. I can't seem to box up my image of God into a neat little package like they do at church. I feel "different" which is uncomfortable for me.
Ok, I used this post to vent, because this has been bugging me. Is it me? Is it them? My husband doesn't agree with everything they say, but has not problem going along. I am not good at going along with things I don't agree with.
Well, I'm glad to be home. My daughter and grandbaby are coming up next week. I can't wait to see them. So far, it's been a good year.

Teaching Mrs Madoff About Macaroni

2009-03-18T14:17:00.005-05:00

I'm through with all the antibiotics and steriods and I still feel yucky. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to have the chest x-ray repeated. I just feel like I need some major vitamins, an oxygen bar, a personal trainer, energy drink, something!

I finished Twilight and New Moon and am reading Eclipse. Again, I still can't believe I like these books, and I LIKE these books. No, you won't see my running around in a "Bite Me" t-shirt (ha).

I've pared my packing list down to the necessities, and I am still debating whether to check one bag and take a large purse on the plane, or try to carry on my bag. I hate dragging luggage around in an airport, especially with a long layover, but while I've never had luggage lost, this would be a very bad time for that to happen with me leaving Seattle for good two days after arriving.

My son had a very promising phone interview (two actually) yesterday with a company in Huntsville. It would be good if he found a job here soon. I think he'd feel better about moving. They want to interview him in person as soon as he gets here.

My husband plans to put down the new floor in the living room (along with help from my friend's son) while I am gone. I will be so excited to come home and it already be done, and thrilled to say bye-bye to carpet.

I stayed up late to watch Amercian Idol (we Tivo'd it, is that a verb?) and, although I love that black fingernail polish guy's voice, he must have been smoking some heavy duty something to get up and sing "I Walk the Line" in a sitar-type arrangement. It sounded like a guru on crack.
The little blonde who sang "Jolene" was pretty bad. I was pleasantly surprised by the Indian guy and the girl with the flu. So if you don't watch Idol, none of these comments make any sense at all.

Now for my take on the Madoff scandel. I don't feel as sorry for the rich folks as I probably should, but I really don't. However, I would love to see his wife have to shop at K-Mart like the rest of us, and see her excited over a blue light special. I've had my "living on mac and cheese until payday" times, and I know how to cook a million hamburger dishes to stretch a five pound chub pack. I could teach her a thing or two.

The Pups New Do's

2009-03-13T11:48:00.002-05:00

Bedroom Re-do

2009-03-13T08:39:00.005-05:00

While I was out and about yesterday, killing time while the cleaning lady was here, I decided to re-do my bedroom. I went to Walmart and found a $79 comforter set, marked down to $40 (King size, too!), found two pillows that look like silk for $5 each, bought black out curtains ($16 a panel, four panels). Then I went to Hobby Lobby and found a poster I liked, bought a frame for it (17 and 25) and then picked out flowers to arrange in a vase to match (22). I ended up with a new bedroom, which I really like much better than the stuff I had in there (black and cream toile with dark red drapes, too goth). So here are the pics.

Taco Soup and a Tot

2009-03-11T18:17:00.003-05:00

I've been in a cooking mood this week. Today I made taco stew. I will post the recipe below.
Tomorrow, our new cleaning lady comes for the first time. I am going to get up early and take the dogs to the groomer so they won't be underfoot. Then I plan to go to the library and have lunch with my friend.

I'm reading Twilight. I never thought I'd like a teenage vampire book but I'm actually loving this. I sat up late last night reading in bed with my book light.

My granddaughter is getting so big. I couldn't resist posting her vacuuming photo. She looks less baby and more little girl. She is very active now in playgroups, so she's quite a social butterfly. It's hard to believe she will be two in a few months.

My husband and I celebrate our sixth anniversary the end of this month. I'm so glad I finally found a good one. There are a lot of frogs out there.

Taco Soup:
1 1/2 pounds ground chuck, browned and drained
28 oz can diced tomatoes
2 cans beef broth
2 cups frozen whole kernel corn
2 cups salsa
1 medium diced onion
1 medium bell pepper, diced
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 pkg Hidden Valley ranch salad dressing mix

Simmer all day in crock pot. Then add:
1 can creamed corn
1 can pinto beans, drained
1 can kidney beans, drained
1 lb Velvetta cheese, cut into chunks

Continue to simmer until cheese melts. Stir well and serve.

Looking Forward to Spring

2009-03-06T09:52:00.004-06:00

I sit and look at the screen, and I think I really should do a new post. What about? Let's see...What has been happening around here lately? Nothing. Well nothing interesting. Well, what is on my mind? All My Children coming on in a little while, highlight of my day since I've been sick, but no one wants to hear about that either..Hm...My life is awfully boring.

Does anyone else do that? Sometimes blogs can be so much fun, but they can also be one more thing on my "Would-a, Should-a" list to do.

Ok, I finished World Without End and The Reader. Started The Curing Season. Trying to figure out what to read next. I went to the beauty shop and that girl swears by the Twilight series, even though she's not into Vampires. So maybe I'll give that a go.

I went "inactive" on Facebook, because I was getting so much email from them everyday and I couldn't figure out how to do most of the stuff on there. Then several people actually missed me being on there, so I reactivated. I also linked my Associated Content material to it, I think, so maybe that will help my page views.

I hate daylight savings time. My internal clock does not like being tampered with. I found this in an article this morning that comfirms that it's a bad, bad idea. ha.

"There's a spike of 5% in heart attacks during the first week of daylight saving time, according to another study published last year. The loss of an hour's sleep may make people more susceptible to an attack, some experts say. When daylight saving time ends in the fall, heart attacks briefly become less frequent than usual."
See?

I'm feeling better post pneumonia, but am still weak. I get up doing things in the house and get winded and tired, but each day I'm able to do a little more.

I am a real germ phobe about motel rooms, and since I know my cross-country trip with my son may end us sleeping in some cheapo places, I decided to get a sleeping bag to lay on the bed to sleep in. I found one and had it shipped to his house. He called today and said, "Geez, it's pink and has fur. I'm glad the UPS dude didn't see it and think it was something I ordered." Hey, the price was right.

I'm still trying to pare down my packing list to only the bare essentials. I ordered three pair of yoga pants that are super comfortable to wear on the trip, so I can just take shirts to swap up. Of course, I'll have to have my Kindle and cell with their chargers. I'm still debating makeup. Who am I going to see anyway? I cut my hair so it's quick and easy to do. I want to maket his trip as easy as possible.

Our governor has decided not to accept the stimulus money for Alabama. I hope he has plenty of his own to kick in when things get worse, which they will. My youngest son is worried about losing his job. He said they are getting rid of people left and right at his station and other stations they own. We may end up with both boys back home before this is all over. I'm so glad my husband works for the government. Job security means so much right now. So does having our mortgage paid off. Still, we are thinking much more seriously about purchases. I guess that is just a sign of the times.

I miss my granddaughter. I'm going to have to take a baby day and go up for a day visit before my trip. I wrote and reminded my daughter to post more pics and video. Maybe I just need to catch them on Skype soon.

I won that writing contest back in October, and since it was more than 600, they sent us a 1099. But they didn't send it until the middle of February, which is the first time I even remembered that money, and after we had filed our taxes. So my husband is busy at the kitchen table today amended both state and federal returns. No matter what, it seems the "extra money" I earn ends up causing us tax problems of some sort, either putting him into a higher tax bracket or something. Still, when a little check comes in, I'm happy. I'm now making an average of $62 a month from Associated Content for past articles and their page views. $62 in mad money is a lot to me. Buys a lot of Kindle books, especially the .99 up to 3.99 ones. Hey, as long as I have books, I am happy.

Dawn Rises on a Whole New Day

2009-03-02T18:47:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, the rolling pin thing seemed like a really big deal, and today I don't care as much. I think blogging is a great way to vent and put things in perspective.

I went to the dr today and I have pneumonia, but it's "early" and he loaded me up with yet more medicine. I'm sure it will knock it out this time around, because I have to be well for my trip to Seattle and the drive back to Alabama the 24th of this month.

I'm finishing World Without End, and trying to decide on my next book. I watched the Oprah show today and ordered the Simplicity workbook the girl there had written. I found out it was illustrated and had dividers, and they had me at sold.

I can't seem to sleep without coughing, so I'm sitting up for awhile, hoping I will eventually get really sleepy and then be able to sleep later tomorrow.
We actually got snow on Saturday night, and woke up to white rooftops and yards. It melted off by noon though, but was pretty while it lasted.
Well, i'll make this one short, as I feel crappy and am going to try to go to bed again.

Duck! Here I Come With a Rolling Pin!

2009-03-01T19:29:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I did a whole post on how healthy I've been emotionally, how far I've come. Then God showed me to have some humility and that I don't know everything.
I have a rolling pin that belonged to my grandmother. It's old, wood, with red handles, worn and weathered from many years of use. If you had asked me a few days ago, I would have said my grandmother gave it to me, because I thought she did. She gave me a dish towel, an apron, and the rolling pin, I think. Many, many, many years ago.
My niece has a cooking blog, where she posts family recipes and the stories behind them. It's really good. In one recipe she posted recently, she said her mom visited me, and I mentioned having my grandmother's rolling pin, but my sister was shocked. She said Mom had given her a rolling pin, and said it was my grandmother's. So she confronted Mom, and Mom said she didn't want us to not each have one, so she bought an extra from an antique store. Who has the real one? That was my niece's question. I could have been happy from now on, just contently using my rolling pin and thinking of my grandmother. But no. It was not to be. Now I'm wondering if my Mom did give me the rolling pin at some point, and not my grandmother. And it bugs me. REALLY bugs me. I feel hurt, and I wish they had just left well enough alone.
So, you see, they can still hurt my feelings no matter how much therapy I had. I haven't come so far after all. One visit to my house from my sister and I'm back to feeling like a little girl that lost her dolls to her sister during the divorce, because Mom left in such a hurry with me in tow.

Heaven and Heaven, Too.

2009-02-24T19:35:00.004-06:00

HEAVEN......

HEAVEN, TOO.

You like me? Good. You don't? That's fine, too.

2009-02-19T08:49:00.005-06:00

My sister came, my mom took her on a tour of our home (very short tour to see it all. ha) and then we went to Hobby Lobby. Sis decided not to make snide comments about me, so she made them about others. First she started on my mom. We were in the check out line, with several other people, and she started talking about how my mom got lost in a store the other day, and couldn't figure out how to find her way to the front. She told it in a long, "this is hilarious, Mom is getting really old" type of way. My mom looked embarrassed at the strangers listening to it. I looked at my mom and said, "I do those same kind of things, Mom, all the time." So my sister took it up a notch and told one that was even more embarrassing, so much so I won't repeat it here.

We went to lunch and she talked about her mother-in-law hiding her teeth in her bra when she took them out in a restaurant (it's an old Southern woman thing--My granny used to hide money there, and I have been known to stash cash there myself). Then she talked about my step-mom and what she hopes to get from the house when they die. She talked about her daughters..it just went on and on.

When she started on Obama, and used the "n" word, I actually spoke up and said, "I don't use that word." My mom looked at me like I had two heads, then collected herself and said, "I guess none of us should." My sister just continued to count my heads.

She also said, "Since you went to college, you talk funny." That was because she said, "I ain't got no reason to put out cabbage plants this year, because mama grows more 'n enough for all of us" and I replied, "I don't have a reason to plant them as long as we have a Krogers." Bad English is common in our family, and anyone who speaks differently is "weird." I admit mine is not perfect, but if you met my family, you would see I've come a long way.

I honestly feel nothing she can say to me at this point is going to affect my opinion of myself, which I guess is what emotionally healthy means. I know I just felt so much better yesterday around her, not having to worry about dodging arrows.
I didn't feel nervous when they were here. I felt comfortable to be myself. If my sister had left and not wanted to come back, I would have been disappointed but it would be fine.

As things are, I think we can see each other and be family, and it will be fine now. I don't have unrealistic expectations, and don't need her approval anymore.

Old Me, New Me

2009-02-18T08:33:00.005-06:00

My sister and mother are coming today to visit. I have lived here since March of 2000, and this is the first time my sister has been here to visit. I figure my mom is dragging her here, but well, there ya go. I have been noticing a big difference in the "old me before years of therapy" and the "me now" in how I react to things. The old me would have worried about what she would think about my home, what I was wearing (she has been known to made snide comments in the past about both), etc. The old me would have spent two days cleaning.

But the now me went to play cards all day yesterday at the senior center. The new me got up this morninng and made the beds, dusted the coffee table, and wiped down the toilet in the guest bathroom. I think it looks fine, and the new me cares more about that than what anyone else thinks.
The old me would have picked out her clothes today with the thought in mind of "What will she say about this one? Will she think this is too bright?" The new me thought, I like this shirt, it's comfortable, I'll wear it.

Last week when I went to play cards, one of the ladies asked if I would take over the calling tree for reservations (we have to tell the senior center how many we will have because of the lunch). I hesitated and she was very convincing, so I said ok. I figured I will give it a try, so what. Then later in the week, another lady who also has handled this task called, very upset. Who had given me this to do? Why was it given to me instead of to her? She said, "It's not that I don't think you can do it, it's just that I've done it a long time."

The old me would have thought, Oh my, what's wrong with me, she thinks I can't do this, she doesn't trust me, etc. But the new me said, "I didn't want to do it anyway, so you're welcome to have it. In fact, I'll run the notebook by your house in a few minutes." The old me would have avoided going around that woman again, because I felt insecure and had my feelings hurt. The new me went in yesterday, hugged her, and had a ball playing cards.

One of my children reminded me the other day, when I was whining about them leaving home, that when they were teens, I was so wrapped up with a "idiot man who will remain nameless" that they felt neglected. The old me would have been crushed, and would have immediately tried to justify my bad behavior. The new me thought about it a minute, then said, "You are right. That's how it was. I'm sorry, and I wish I could go back and have that time again." Old me, new me. I made mistakes. I can't change them. I can say I am sorry, and do what I can to do better now. Maya Angelou says, "I did then what I knew. And when I knew better, I did better."

Now you can say what you will about therapy, and I realize I spent boo-koos of money on it, but I got results. It took a long time but I do see the progress. Not only that, but my husband sees it.

We were with some friends the other night, when they brought up the Octomom and how she should have her children all taken away from her. I told you my best friend has a huge family, limited money, etc, so I have a difference perspective on this from most people. I also loved kids and may have had a larger family myself had circumstances been different. So when they said her children should be taken away, I added, "I disagree. I think even though she may have shown bad judgement, she still loves her kids, and her kids love her. To take them away now would only hurt the children by dividing them up with people they don't know. If you took away the kids of everyone who had them and couldn't afford them, over half of the kids in America would be in foster care. You can hate her, but don't take it out on the kids. Give her the help she needs to care for them. That's how I feel."

My husband's mouth fell open, and the ladies (aren't women wonderful to talk to) just jumped in and kept the discussion going, actually considering the children's side of things. When we got home, my husband said, "Not only are you out socially now, but you feel confident enough to offer a differing opinion, even when it may not be popular. I am proud of you."
I'm proud of me, too.

Grouchy as Hell

2009-02-09T22:37:00.003-06:00

I should have married a Democrat. If I have to watch another Presidential address with my husband's commentary yelled in the background, I'm going to kill him. I told him tonight he sounds like he's been listening to way too much Limbaugh.

My son in Seattle has not found a job and his funds are running low. He is coming home, and has to drive across the country pulling a U-Haul trailer. So he offered to fly me out if I would ride back with him. I'm going March 24, and we are leaving the 26th coming back. Driving down to San Francisco and then across, due to snow and road closings.

Kindle came out with a second version, announced today. I want one, but I won't get one. I LOVE my Kindle, and at what I paid for the first one, it will have to last awhile. I carry it in my purse all the time, and never get stuck in a waiting room without something to read. If I finish a book, no problem...just start another.
I feel terrible. I have been on the antibiotic for a week now, and although my headaches are gone, I feel like someone ran over me with a truck. My step-mother said antibiotics do her the same way. How can the cure make you feel as bad as the illness? Add to that, I have been having major hot flashes this week, and I've been pretty miserable.

We went to play cards tonight, and some of the ladies wanted the heat turned up. I was about ready to take off my clothes, but decided it would scare too many people.
So yes, I'm burning up, grouchy as hell, and feel like crap. Menopause sucks.

Six Words-- What Are Yours?

2009-02-05T08:11:00.006-06:00

HarperCollins has a new book out called "Not Quite What I Was Planning" (I know you should underline books but there is no underline button on this blogger thingie) by Larry Smith, in which people write their life stories in six words. For example, one man wrote, "Seventy years, few tears, hairy ears" which of course, illustrates for us clearly that he has had a long life with a few bumps along the way, yet has managed to keep his sense of humor. I also liked this one, "After Harvard, had baby with crackhead." Whew.
It made me think how I would sum up my life in six words, since I have never been a person of few words. I tend to talk things to death, as my ex-husband once said, and was right.

Maybe I would say something like "Novel Life, Skipping Pages and Skimming."
I feel like no one would believe the things I have experienced in my life, but it would make a great novel, and I've done my share of skipping over things I should have paid attention to, and skimming through parts I should have lingered on.

I also thought of "Rooting for Outcasts, Feel Like One." As the counselor once said, I always have a heart for the victim or black sheep of society. Am I not the one writing to a death row inmate and defending people just because they are attacked by others' comments, even when I feel they may deserve it?

How about "Wife, Mom, Homemaker, Looking for Wings." Even though I am happy with my life, I would always like to do something really important and soar for awhile.

I also like, "Mind Open, Eyes Closed, Charging Ahead." That would explain why I get off on such tangents and hit so many brick walls.

One more, "Chocolate, naps, living the good life."

Now, here is your challenge. Tell me some of yours!

The Weekend Again

2009-01-28T21:12:00.003-06:00

My husband has been home all week sick with a cold and ear infection. So far, I haven't gotten it. He went to the doctor Monday, was given an antibiotic, was no better and went back today. He now has another antibiotic to take WITH, not INSTEAD of the first antibiotic (ever heard of such a thing?). Our weather has been so screwy, it's no wonder everyone is getting sick. In the 60's one day, below freezing the next, etc.

I posted awhile back that I write to a young man on death row, and that I used to work with his mom. He recently wrote and asked me to call her, gave me the number, and said he was worried because he hadn't heard from her in so long, no card at Christmas, etc, and wanted to know if she was ok. I called and the number he gave me was disconnected.

I remembered another lady who was a good friend to her, and called her to see if I could find out anything for him. I left her a message on her machine, and she called back and left me a voice mail saying she told his mom he was worried, his mom has changed her number, and that is it. Didn't say the mom would contact him or anything. I didn't expect her to give me the new number, as it may be unlisted or something (even though we used to be really good friends and just lost touch when we both took other jobs, never had any kind of a falling out). Now I wonder if she is upset that I am pen pals with her son or something.

I think it was Amy who commented awhile back that maybe his mom had just written him off. I guess that is possible. I guess I will just tell him I passed along his message but was not able to find out anything else.

The carpet guys cleaned my carpet yesterday, and now that it is dry, it looks dirty. I am on my "I hate carpet" kick again, and had a long talk with the other ladies at cards the other day about hardwood vs laminate vs tile. I have to admit I am leaning toward a vinyl or resilient floor for my living room. When my mom retired and built a new house on the river (which my sister now has), she put vinyl throughout. She said it was so much easier to keep clean, which it was. My grandmother had vinyl tile throughout her house when I was growing up. I have looked at Trafficmaster Allure flooring that looks like wood. I really think that is what I am going to do. Especially after talking with the guy at Lowes about what they recommend to care for laminate. (I thought laminate could be mopped; he says no, you need this kit and this stuff, and this, no mopping.)

We went tonight to see Defiance at the movies. Good. Really good. When we got there, I waited in the lobby while hubby got tickets. He came in and said the heat was out in the theatre showing our feature, but he got tickets anyway. I almost froze to death. Brrr.

Dead Tree Readers

2009-01-25T09:44:00.004-06:00

I belong to a yahoo group for the Kindle, the e-reader I got from amazon about a year ago. I love my Kindle, carry it everywhere in my purse, always reading in waiting rooms, in the car, etc. However, I'm not against reading regular books, as some books are not available on the Kindle. I find I usually read three or four on the Kindle and then one from my bookcase. (I'm trying to get from four bookcases to one.) However, some people on the yahoo group are really Kindle-ites.
Today I read a post where a reader refers to his mom who prefers paper and ink books as a "dead tree reader" "behind the times" and "living in the dark ages."
With book stores being added to the stores with falling profits, and news articles reporting that young people are not leisure readers, I am just thrilled anyone likes reading. Out of my three children, I have one reader. Thank goodness my "reader" is also raising my granddaughter to be a "reader" too.
I can't imagine my life if I had not loved reading from a young age. It was a form of escape for me during a lot of hard times. I still have mental lists of hundreds of classics I want to read before I die.
Yesterday I spent the day with my dad. His Alzheimers is about the same. He told me about when my uncle was a POW in Germany, although he began by saying HE was he POW, but eventually the story evolved to being about my uncle and not him. My step-sister passed away Friday night and we went to sit with Daddy while my step-mom went to be with her son-in-law and the rest of the family. Daddy reminded us when we got there that Shirley died. Then in awhile he said my step-mom was at the hospital sitting with Shirley because she is in bad shape. I keep thinking I could be like him one day. My husband reminds me that my mom is about the same age and sharp as a tack and I could also be like her.
Anyway, I plan to kick up my "want to read" list and get moving on it. We are going to the funeral home this afternoon. For many years my rule has been that I dont go to funerals. But I am better emotionally now, and I think it will be ok. My step-sister was 65 and died of a stroke. I wasn't very close to her as she was married and had children of her own when my dad and her mom married, but she was a nice lady.
I started keeping a prayer list in a little organizer in my purse a few weeks ago. It started with three names, is now up to nine, one came off (my granddaughter is feeling better after her ear infection.) It seems like so many people are struggling with finances, sickness, and other troubles right now. I feel very blessed to not have any needs of my own on the list right now. No needs but a lot of thank you's. I guess God still loves us "dead tree readers", too.

Oh My!

2009-01-22T09:06:00.002-06:00

My hubby and I were watching the View last night (we Tivo'd it) when we witnessed Sigourney Weaver flashing America. Just to be sure, my husband checked the screen closer and she was not wearing underwear. (I was laughing too hard to object.) I don't get the whole commando thing. That is just gross. It seems like one look at that set with cameras aimed straight on and the couch that has to be voted "most uncomfortable ever" that she would rethink the whole skin tight dress idea.

Reading and Ruminating

2009-01-20T21:14:00.003-06:00

Not much new around here.
I got to babysit my grandbaby for awhile Saturday. My daughter and son-in-law drove down to put up a new kitchen light for me, and afterward they went out for a little shopping. My granddaughter was feeling bad with a cold, and she mostly sat in my lap while I rocked her. She slept for awhile and watched Yo Gabba Gabba the rest of the time.
My youngest son has started back to college. He went for a semester right out of high school before he began his career as a DJ. Now he wants to go back and take some computer classes and his basics.
My son in Seattle has not found a job yet. He has to make a decision soon about moving. I'm just praying things work out for him. I know he wants to stay there if possible.
My daughter had a birthday!
My husband and I have been using the E-Mealz meal planning service again. We were doing Kroger's since that is where we usually shop, but decided to get off our fat butts and lose some of this weight we've put back on, so beginning on Thursday of next week (when we buy groceries again) we are switching to a Weight Watchers dinner menu. I'm not going to WW. I know enough about what I SHOULD be eating to plan my own breakfast and lunch, and then I will use the planned dinners.
I got new glasses because we have a new vision plan on our health insurance. They are frameless and very light and drive me nuts. (No, not big like Palin's) I guess I'm used to heavier frames as these feel like they are falling off my face all the time.
I finished reading Revolutionary Road. I would say it's a book that the reader will remember for a long time, but it's also a downer. I think the movie with DeCaprio and Kate Winslet will be good. I can see them playing those characters. I also finished Suze Ormans 2009 Action Plan.
Now I'm reading World Without End, which should keep me busy for awhile!
We found this little cafe way out in the sticks that is only open for dinner three nights a week, and has the best steaks I've ever tasted. We are going there with one of our neighbors and her friend on Thursday night. How about that--! Me! Socializing with the neighbors for more than cards!

Mo Mo Mo Money

2009-01-09T20:03:00.003-06:00

We decided to pay off our credit cards this year if at all possible. Then we will be totally out of debt. I watched the Oprah show with Suze Orman yesterday, and we sat down last night and listed our expenses, which are wants or needs, etc. We canceled HBO, our spring water service, and the cleaning lady (all wants). We decided our TIVO is a definite need, and so is eating out three days every two weeks (we get paid every two weeks) as long as we don't eat at pricey restaurants.

My husband said he can give up eating lunch out every day if he takes leftovers from dinner.
This came about because my son called to borrow tuition money the other night, and I didn't have it to give him. I felt really badly about it. Like most people, I waste a lot of money, especially since we have a Starbucks now.

Also, I lost weight, got rid of all my fat clothes, gained the weight back, and now have nothing to wear. ha. But you all would be proud of me. I went to the thrift store and bought three blouses still new with tags for five bucks each. I've never been good at saving money, so this is a really good challenge for me.

I told my husband I really do believe that God helps those who help themselves, and after our talk and resolutions on budgeting last night, he called today to tell me his cost of living raise is going to be on next week's check. Not much but a blessing, none the less.

I have to say that writing to the death row inmate has made me a lot more appreciative of what I have. I feel really superficial when I complain about my weight and dieting when he has lost so much weight since his trial because of not having enough food. I complain about having to go out around people when he has no freedom. I complain about having to take medicine when he stays inside in the winter for fear of getting sick and not having the medical help he would need. I think I really need to stop being so ungrateful and complaining so much. My worst day is so far above his best day.

I had to tell the cleaning lady that I can't have her come for awhile, and she was so nice about it. She didn't say it but I got the impression I'm not the only one of her clients cutting back on cleaning help. I would feel worse except I know she has people waiting to get her to clean for them, because she does such a good job. When I was playing cards today, several of the women were talking about their cleaning help, and I asked what they pay for their townhouses, since they are the same size as mine. They pay between 50-60, and I was paying 90. So I guess if we can get someone to clean later on, I'll shop around a bit more.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out a system to my cleaning, so I don't have everything to do in one day. I figured I can do some on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and use Thursday as my day for doctor visits and other appointments. Tuesday and Friday mornings are my card days, but since Friday is just until noon, I figured I can get something done that day, too. A lady I know recommended doing my weekly stuff, and then each week concentrating on one room and giving that room some extra cleaning, decluttering, etc. That way every six to eight weeks, the house has a really good cleaning. I have said before I love laundry, but I hate mopping and wiping baseboards. Also my vacuum is sucky around the edges of the carpet, and I hate using the brush thing to clean that. I like dusting and cleaning mirrors. Isn't it funny how some people like some parts of house cleaning that other people hate. Of course, there have been times that I have hated it all.

Reading, Ranting, and the Ridiculous

2009-01-06T17:32:00.007-06:00

Books read so far in 2009:
The Rock Orchard by Paula Wall-- it's about the women of the Belle family and other characters in this small town, at the diner, the doc, the preacher, etc. Started out great and I thought for the first ten chapters it was going to be the best book I've ever read, but then the author sort of lost it and tried to package everything up too quickly. I was very disappointed. First half of book 5 stars Last half 2 stars, total score averaged 3.5

Follow the River by James Thorn- Based on a true story about a woman abducted by Indians who tries to make her way back home. This was an old yellowed copy I bought at a used book sale and found tucked into the back of my bookcase. VERY good book. Unbelievable what this woman had to go through, but you won't be able to put it down. They actually made a movie out of this, but the book is better according to what I have read about them both. I'd give this one a 5.0. I would read this over again.

I'm learning to tell people no when asked to do something I know I don't need to do. It's hard for me to say no to anyone. It comes back to that "what if they don't like me" thing. But I figured out if I try to please everyone, then I don't like me.

My MIL leaves tomorrow. I thank you all for putting up with my belly-aching about her being here. I'll shut up now, until she comes back in July.

I have beautiful new tile in my kitchen, and now my light fixture seems to have konked out. It's fluorescent, and I hope it is just a matter of needing bulbs, but it's never acted like this before. It comes on but barely, more of a faint glow, very faint. In the South, we still believe men should fix things (I know my daughter is shaking her head. Ok, old people in the South still believe this.) My husband is not a fixer. That can be very frustrating at times. However, he is great at running errands, so I guess that makes up for his lack of fixing talents. I'm going to try replacing the bulbs tomorrow. I'm still trying to train him about the umbrella thing. Now that's something every man should know about. Men get the car when it's raining and pick up the women at the door. At the very least, they have an umbrella to hold over you. Geez. Where was he raised? Oh yeah, not here.

Since I got my bathroom scales and started watching my weight, I've gained two pounds. Maybe just watching it is not enough. ha.

Pet peeve: Robin McGraw writing books. She is an expert on aging because? Don't tell me it's because she looks so great for 55. If I had her money, I'd look good, too. Really, Dr Phil has taken nepotism to an all time high level. His son is now an expert on bullies, his wife on aging, etc. And how did Dr Phil think himself an expert on wt loss. He has two chins.

Tick tock tick tock............

2009-01-04T16:29:00.004-06:00

I think I've pretty much blown all my NY resolutions by now. Must be a new record. I haven't walked one day, had three pieces of pizza tonight, have already ordered three books from Amz (read one and a half though, still behind the buy/read ratio)...On the other hand, I did go to church today, have been nicer to my husband, and have been good to myself. How do I know I've been taking care of myself, you ask?

Well, MIL is still here. I haven't killed her or lost my cool with her. I pretty much have only talked to her when I have to the last few days. She hasn't noticed though. I figured out as long as she thinks everyone is doing things the way she wants, she is happy. And as long as I can call her names in my head, I'm happy. Win-win. Ok, yes I am a bit afraid of what I'm thinking accidentally coming out my mouth (It's your turn to deal the cards, you old witch!) but so far I've been able to handle it. I know. I know. I need more church. ha.

I told you I've been writing to a young man in prison. While we were at a restaurant the other night, my husband commented on the part of the last letter I got, where he says he hasn't gotten so much as a Christmas or birthday card from his mom in years. I said I felt so badly for him, and my husband said he did, too, and he was glad we could cheer him up with our cards. My MIL said, "He is probably making all of it up and doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy. No one can con like a con." I'm seeing visions of her in a nursing home. That's the truth.

Even women at Sunday school are giving me pity looks when I drag her with me into class Sunday after Sunday. One lady leaned over to her this morning and said, "Are you still visiting?" MIL said yes. Then the lady said, "Thought maybe you had moved here." I won't even tell you what I was saying in my mind at that point.

I gave MY mom a big soft terry robe for Christmas last year. This year she wrapped it back up and gave it back to me (it was not my only present from her.) I loved it. I'm wearing it now. What other family could have a member give you back your present and say it was way too big for her but she figured it would fit my fat butt just fine, and me be happy about it? One of my best presents, actually, besides my son-in-law and daughter giving me the kitchen backsplash and my George Foreman grill. I just hope I'm not going to have to cook anymore for my MIL before she leaves...She's leaving Wednesday, counting the hours........

New Year Resolutions

2009-01-01T22:09:00.004-06:00

1. Lose weight. I bought scales. I weighed. I almost passed out.

2. Begin walking at least two mornings a week. I figure that's a good attainable amount of days.

3. Don't buy anything on credit and don't buy another book until I read what I have.

4. Save more money for Christmas next year.

5. Clear all clutter downstairs and quit griping about the upstairs. I can be happy if I really try, with half the house being clutter free.

6. Go to church regularly.

7. Be nicer to my husband.

8. Spend more time with my friend, Dawn. She would love to have a regular weekly lunch, which I should be able to do, and know I would enjoy it.

9. Enjoy the time I have left with my parents. Let the past go and see my sister.

and 10.
Take care of myself emotionally. Speak up for myself. Express my honest opinion when asked instead of going along with everyone else. Allow myself to rest when I'm tired without guilt.

Put the Christmas Tree in the Dumpster

2008-12-31T06:57:00.002-06:00

Christmas is over. Thank God! I know that's not how we are suppose to feel at Christmas, but for a person who thinks I'm responsible for everyone having a good time, it's all just too much.
My son is here visiting from Seattle, and still hasn't found a job, so he's understandable depressed--which makes him grouchy and irritable, which he takes out on everyone. He has informed me that my mother-in-law and husband both get on his last nerve, and that he never gets to spend any alone time with me because they are always around. He said he realizes if he stays living in another state, and always comes home at Christmas, this is how he will be, since she comes every year at summer and Christmas. I am driving him myself to the airport today. We are going to stop and have breakfast somewhere and just enjoy a tiny bit of talking alone.
The problem with the MIL is she has an opinion on everything, and knows everything and wants you to know that she does. Example, my dear son-in-law put in a tile backsplash in my kitchen for me while he was here during the holidays. (It turned out gorgeous, by the way.) She parked herself in the kitchen on a barstool and gave him advice the whole time. (He is not new to this and was the last person who would need advice on this job.) She is extremely critical.
Another example...I was making a french toast casserole with blueberry/maple syrup topping for Christmas morning and she stood over me reading the recipe and saying, "I don't like nutmeg..Leave that out." etc. etc.
I guess I should count my blessings that she doesn't live around here. I just find it aggravating that she has never been invited to my house to spend six weeks of every year up my butt but she persists in doing it anyway. (Sorry. I'm mad.)
On a lighter note, I loved seeing my granddaughter enjoying her Christmas this year. At eighteen months, she's just now old enough to get excited over it all, and she did.
I loved seeing all three of my kids together. It's the only time of the year when they get to see each other.
Ok, enough light, back to the griping. My husband's pack-rat-ishness is a big peeve of mine. He insisted that I made a huge mistake by throwing away two rolls of wrapping paper (that each had maybe a foot of paper on them)away, and dug them out of the trash to put into our overflowing attic that is so full now we can't find anything in it. The thoughts I had should make me ashamed but they had something to do with living long enough to be a widow and being able to throw all this junk away.
Yes, I know that's bad, but now that my blog is private, I am going to tell the truth, no matter how ugly, so hang on! I do love my husband. I also loved living by myself. If I could have him living across the street, that would be perfect.
I blogged before about my friend's son in prison that I write to. I got a letter from him this week, and my mother-in-law immediately said, "Are you sending him money?" I looked at her and changed ths subject because I didn't think it was any of her business. (My husband and I sent a money order for $35 for his Christmas, and that is the only money we have sent.) We also sent him a Christmas card every day this month and he enjoyed that a lot.
I got a new laptop. My youngest son wanted to try it out. As soon as he left, I turned it on and got Trojan Virus warnings. My other son spent all day trying to get all the bits of it off. He got rid of the virus with virus scan software but I still had some kind of worm on there (that's what he called it) that made webpages keep opening on top of the one I am looking at.
Well MIL is getting out of the shower so I better post this before she asks to read it. ha.
Hope you all had a great Christmas. I'll do a separate post on NY resolutions.

Please Go HOME

2008-12-30T14:25:00.003-06:00

My mother-in-law has been here since December 19th. She is not leaving until January 7th. Need I say more?

Cutie's Christmas Pic

2008-12-22T12:50:00.004-06:00

Our year has almost come to an end. My son from Seattle is here visiting. My mother-in-law also arrived and will be here a few weeks. I've been doing a lot of cooking with the deal that my husband will do the dishes, but he seems to be falling behind. In other words, I can't see the sink. ha. I will end up doing them this afternoon and then suggesting we eat out for a couple of meals until he figures out he only gets cooking if he holds up his end of the deal.
This has been a good year, even though we've had some bad things happen. I was in the hospital and my son lost his job, but hopefully both of those things will lead to positive changes. I am looking forward to the New Year and new beginnings. New chances to do things better.
My granddaughter is getting so big! She recently had her eighteenth month pictures taken so I couldn't resist putting one on here. And my daughter says if all goes well, I may have two grandchildren next Christmas. :-)
The lady next door has been out looking for her Yorkie. He's seven months old and got out of the back yard when he was taking a potty run this morning. I walked around the town homes a bit but didn't see him. It's so cold out here today, and I hope he's ok.
I got a new laptop. It's the Dell Inspiron Mini 9, really cute and only two pounds. Fits in my purse. It's my early Santa gift.

Blog Going Private

2008-12-15T10:26:00.002-06:00

I've decided to make my blog private at the first of the year. I've had several years of not having to worry about it being located by people I'd rather not read it, but there's always that nagging doubt. I've decided to make it readable only to famiy, friends, and other faithful readers. If you would like to be able to continue to read it, just email me at decaturauthor@aol.com, telling me who you are and a bit about why you want to continue to read (unless I know you).
As my extended family continues to discover the internet, and I choose to rag on my husband's boss's wife at times, I figured this might be safer.

No More Shoes!

2008-12-12T20:29:00.004-06:00

I went to see my therapist today (first time since September). This is the lady I've been seeing off and on for years, and she works in the office with my psychiatrist. Since the whole mania thing came up, I've been worried about it, so I decided to go see her and talk about it. After a long relentless discussion with her asking me a billion questions, she says no, I'm not manic. At least she doesn't think so. (The doctor will have to confirm that in January.)

She reminded me of the big breakthrough of confronting my mom on the phone when I was in the hospital, and finally telling her how I feel about things. Since then I've felt very peaceful. It's like regardless of what happens with my mom and sister, I feel good about things now. I spoke my peace. I apologized for my part. I told my mom I needed to have her tell me she loves me (and she does now every time we talk.) I overcame a huge hurdle.

The therapist feels that is the reason my depression is gone. She thinks that's the reason that I feel more confident. And she said she's seen in her practice that as low as your issues seem to hold you captive, that's the distance you usually swing the other way once you've dealt with them.

I told her I was afraid the depression would come back, but she doesn't think so. She said to continue being active, getting out socially, exercising, and eating healthy, and my new habits should keep me healthy.

I can't tell you how much better I felt just talking to her. It's hard to enjoy feeling good when you are always worried that the other shoe is going to drop.

Frankly My Dear......

2008-12-11T16:14:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, we went to a luncheon for a lady at my husband's office who is retiring. It was at a local restaurant. They had set up ten or so round tables, and three long tables put together along one wall to be the head table. They informed us since my husband is a team supervisor we had to sit at the head table. Fine.

I went down to the end and sat next to the last seat. My husband took the last seat. Then my husband's boss and his wife came in and she sat next to me. Since we've been married, he's had a couple of bosses, with people transferring and moving through the ranks, so I don't know this lady very well. But of course, I wanted to be friendly.

So we started talking about the holidays, family, etc. It's very noisy in there, so we had to raise our voices above the din, BUT, this lady was yelling in my ear. Not only that, but she thought she was hilarious, and laughed raucously every time she said something. She also had a mouth any sailor would be proud of and threw in LOTS of words my Daddy would wash my mouth out for saying.

I ran out of things to say to her pretty quickly, and had no idea how to respond to her colorful language, but thankfully she didn't seem to notice and was able to carry on the conversation all by herself.

Later, I commented to my husband in the car that she was loud and cussed a lot. He said, "Yeah, she's not a very dainty, ladylike person." Listen, there is dainty and ladylike, and then there is just pure old common MANNERS. I admit (and this may rile some of you) but the Scarlet in me did have the thought of "Damn Yankees." Now that's an expletive my daddy would approve of.

So here's your thought for the day from Rita Rudner: "I don't cook. I don't understand baking. Like you mix flour and water together and you get glue. Then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake. Where does the glue go?"

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

2008-12-09T21:39:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I admit everything tastes great to me right now, but of all the baking I've been doing, these are the best freaking cookies I've ever had in my life. I used golden raisins, but otherwise followed the recipes exactly. I baked them exactly thirteen minutes, and even though they still looked awfully soft, after cooling on a wire rack they were perfect. I took some last night to the clubhouse, and everyone that bit into one said, "Oh my God, these are GOOD." I got the recipe on Zaar. Enjoy.

Makes 36 cookies
Whisk together and set aside
* 2 cups all purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
Cream wet ingredients
* 1 cup unsalted butter, softened
* 1 cup sugar
* 1 cup dark brown sugar
* 2 large eggs
* 2 teaspoons vanilla
Then stir in
* 3 cups oats (not instant)
* 1 1/2 cups raisins
Directions
Preheat oven to 350°.
Whisk dry ingredients; set aside.
Combine wet ingredients with a hand mixer on low.
To cream, increase speed to high and beat until fluffy and the color lightens.
Stir the flour mixture into the creamed mixture until no flour is visible.
(Over mixing develops the gluten, making a tough cookie.) Now add the oats and raisins; stir to incorporate.
Fill cookie scoop with dough.
(Use a #40 cookie scoop; it measures 2 tablespoon of dough) Press against side of bowl, pulling up to level dough.) (Note: I don’t have a cookie scoop but used an ice cream scoop and it worked fine.)
Drop 2-inches apart onto baking sheet sprayed with nonstick spray.
Bake 11-13 minutes (on center rack), until golden, but still moist beneath cracks on top.
Remove from oven; let cookies sit on baking sheet for 2 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool.

Please Let This Be What Normal Feels Like

2008-12-07T19:33:00.005-06:00

My husband was off Friday so it was a long weekend for us. We did a bit of Christmas and grocery shopping. He also helped me to complete some secret shops. Today we went to the Christmas choir program at the church.

Tomorrow night we have cards at the clubhouse; Tuesday I have cards at the senior center; Wednesday, I'm going with him to a luncheon for a lady in his office that is retiring; Thursday, he is going with me to the Senior Ctr for their Christmas party. Thursday night is the party at the clubhouse for our Sunday School classes (We've only been there once but they invited us and since it's here at the clubhouse with many of our card playing buddies, I thought we'd go). Friday morning is card playing at the clubhouse again. Normally (although I'm not sure what is normal for me anymore) having something to do every day would be absolutely exhausting for me to think about and render me totally frozen in doing anything at all. Now, though, I look forward to these things. I look forward to Christmas even.

So my husband and I were talking today, and he commented how well I am doing off my anti-depressants. I said, "Yeah, and I feel so good. I have energy. I look forward to getting out around people, shopping, decorating for the holidays. This week I'm going to do some holiday baking. My only problem is I have no desire to go to sleep without my Ambien, and I really hoped I could quit them by now. Also, I feel like I'm always hungry and never full." The minute it left my mouth, it hit me what I had just said, and he immediately said, "Sounds like you're manic." Then I remembered all the times my doctor had asked me that checklist of things that included most of what I recited to my husband. So it could be mania, or at least hypomania, which is a lesser degree. I don't know. I only know that for the last two months, I've felt FANTASTIC.

If it is mania, that would mean I have some version of bi-polar, with the highs and lows. I don't know. I hope not. All I know is I hope whatever this is, it lasts a long time. And I hope I don't have to go on any medication. I see my shrink again in January. I only have to go every three to four months now. I just want very badly for this to be my new normal. I'm really enjoying my life right now. I'm not going to mention any of this to him when I go. I will answer his questions truthfully, but hopefully, he will just think I'm doing great.

Trivial Pursuit

2008-12-03T08:41:00.003-06:00

Today is cleaning lady day, which means I spend the morning straightening up everything and then spend the afternoon watching for her to get here. It gets later each time. Who knew having a cleaning lady could be so stressful. I'd like her to be through when my husband gets home, so when she gets here, I have to leave. If I stay, because we used to work together and she thinks I'm a good listener, she talks instead of cleaning. I like talking with her, but hate seeing the clock tick closer and closer to my husband getting off work and no housecleaning getting finished. It's like hairdressers. I never liked the ones who talked. I like the ones who are fast, who throw you in the chair, cut like crazy, are a wizard with the blow dryer and WA-LA! You're done. Pay. Out the door.

I played cards at the senior center yesterday. It was fun. We looked like a large convention of Christmas sweaters. I know Christmas sweaters are suppose to be ugly by fashion standards. (Even Ebay has whole groups of ads on UGLY Christmas sweaters) but I think a giant Santa across your chest is much more fashionable than a plaid shirt tail hanging out under a t-shirt. Tim Gunn may disagree, but if he joined our card players, we'd have him in a Christmas sweater before you know it.

Still no job for the son in Seattle. Keep praying. I want to say pray he gets one in Alabama, or at least Nashville, but he'd like to get one there. Right now, he'd just like to get a job period.

Gas here is down to $1.63. That's unreal. I hope it holds through the holidays.

My son-in-law is going to put me up a tile backsplash when they come for Christmas. I am so excited to have something besides painted sheetrock between my cabinets. I've wiped splatters until there's not a lot of paint left. I got tile in my guest bathroom a couple of years ago, and I love it. I know I will really enjoy having this backsplash too. Someday I'm going to rip out this living room carpet and put down either new carpet or new hardwood or laminate. Reading about Cathy's made me want it even more. It sure makes a room look clean.

I feel bad as I post this, talking about such trivial things on my blog when so many people are facing such hard things this Christmas, but my life right now is about trivial things, and that is a blessing in itself. I think it's only when things calm down in our own lives that we take the time to look around and see the problems others are facing, and we feel for them. Especially at Christmas.

Yes, we went to church Sunday. My husband actually liked the sermon. I wish I could say I did, but I actually did too much daydreaming to be able to comment. I'll try to do better next time.

Joys of Grannyhood

2008-11-25T22:02:00.002-06:00

Isn't my granddaughter the cutest!

Dashing Through the Turkeys

2008-11-24T10:11:00.008-06:00

We put up our tree, which prompted bringing out all the other decorations. We even put a wreath on our door. Hello Neighbors! We're doing Christmas decorating early. The next day, reindeer with lights appeared down the street, and wreaths are popping up on doors all over the neighborhood. Guess we started a trend. :-)
Anyone who knows my Grinchy ways, would have some doubts about whether I actually did follow through with Christmas decorating, so I posted pictures. Proof!
My mom and sister were suppose to come today, visit me, let my sister see the home I've lived in since 2000, go to lunch. Last night, my mom said she was very tired, and my sister had a lot to do to get ready to go out of town this week, so we've put it off until after the holidays. But, I ended up with a clean, halfway organized house.
My middle son still has not found a job. Keep praying. His savings are going down.....
I lost forty-something pounds. I have now officially gained back all but sixteen pounds. When I'm sad and depressed, I don't eat. When I'm happy, well, let's just say chocolate tastes way good. I feel like cooking. I feel like going out to eat. I feel like every food is calling my name. I'm going to have to deal with this, but I figure after the holidays is a good time.
I hope everyone has a very nice Thanksgiving. Gobble Gobble.

Thanksgiving is More Than Turkey

2008-11-21T16:29:00.003-06:00

It's official. I'm old. I started playing cards at the clubhouse with the ladies on Friday mornings. Then my husband and I started playing cards on Monday evenings with the same group. Last Monday night, after we got home, a lady from the group called and asked if I would fill in to play at the Senior Center the next morning, because they needed one more player. I got directions and went. We played all morning, had a nice lunch at the center (for $5!) and then played after lunch until 1:30 or so. I loved it. They asked me to play again next week. As I left the Senior Center, one of the ladies at the desk said she was so glad I came, and hoped I'd come back.
I've often wondered about the senior center, because I've been bored at home and they seemed to have daytime activities, which in our town are hard to find. But I figured there was some age limit to being an official "senior", and at 52, I figured I wasn't there yet. Well, evidently the ladies think I am (is that good or bad? ha.)
So now I play cards THREE times a week, and I'm having so much fun doing it. Between that and my secret shopping, knitting loom, blogging, pen pals, and my husband's days off, I'm BUSY. And I like it. My normal pattern is to isolate and insulate, and here I am "out there among the English" (from the movie Witness) and loving it. And no antidepressants. I'm feeling very hopeful.
I've started feeling very grateful, too. I don't have anything really to complain about. Oh, I have the same aches and pains of any 52 year old (Things don't work the way they used to, especially joints!) Yet, I have a nice warm house in this cold weather. I don't have to cook if I don't want to. (All my life, I'd been married to men who expected that meal on the table, and I bought into that being my JOB.) I have a cleaning lady! (Love her, love her.) And I have healthy children and granddaughter. My kids are coming home for the holidays. My husband has a stable job. I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am.
We also decided to give church a go. We were invited to a couple's SS classes this Sunday, and we're going to try it and see.
So have a very happy Thanksgiving. I know I will.

Why I Hate Christmas AGAIN

2008-11-14T14:37:00.004-06:00

Ok, I'm upset. So I know I'm going to bitch, so if you're not in a "listening to bitching" mood, then don't read this one.

My husband bought the new Christmas tree and it came yesterday. It's really pretty. We put it together to see how it looked, and the lights are really pretty. So he wants to start decorating. Gets out all the boxes of ornaments. I start with the box of my mother's. Really classy glass and crystal ornaments. Put them on, really pretty.

Then he gets out HIS box. Star Wars, Mickey Mouse, ornaments with his dead first wife's name. And he's putting them on the tree. Inside, I'm thinking, I'm trying to get into Christmas for him. This tree looks like sh*t. I hate it. Our classy tree looks tacky now. I wish it wasn't even in my living room. So he asks me how it looks. And passive aggressive me says, "I think I want a Coke. Do you want me to get you one?"

He says, "You don't like it?"

I said, "No. I like some of them."

So I end up telling him that I don't want a tree that looks like a cartoon exploded on it.

He said, "Our tree is eclectic."

I said, grumbling, "Yeah, it sure is."

So I get on my laptop trying to ignore the way I'm feeling, because try as I might, I don't care at that moment that I'm being a heifer about it. I don't care that I only got the tree because I'm making an effort to like Christmas for him. I'm thinking, Our whole house looks like sh*t. I hate that stupid China cabinet you moved in here. My house was never junky until you moved in. Now it's piled with junk. You don't get rid of anything! I want to throw everything we have away. How do you think I'm going to enjoy Christmas when I just realized yesterday that I don't have six square feet of space in this townhome to lay down an air mattress for guests at Christmas? Why is our stinking attic full of junk? Why is the only big closet we have in this house filled to the top with your stinking models still in boxes, and if you ever do put them together where are you going to put all those stupid things? I'm not having them sitting around everywhere! Who's going to dust all those *$#@ things?

And all the time I'm having this tantrum in my head, and am close to tears, he's up putting the cartoon ornaments back into the box. I'm trying not to notice.

So this morning I woke up, feeling all guilty. I put his freaking ugly ornaments back on our ugly tree. This is why we have been married six years without an argument. They go on in my head. Happy Holidays.

The Social Butterfly

2008-11-10T22:15:00.006-06:00

Well, I'm officially not a recluse anymore. I went to the community clubhouse tonight with hubby and a bunch of other couples to play cards. I baked banana bread to add as our contribution to finger food. We played a canasta-type game with a very nice couple, and we had a really good time. When we started out to go home, my husband said my counselor would be very proud of me. I said, "You know what? I am proud of me, and that means more to me than what she thinks." He said, "She'd be more proud of THAT."

I stopped all my anti-depressant meds before I took my trip to Seattle. I'm down to a 1/2 of an Ambien to sleep, and one pill for cholesterol. Other than that, I'm med-free. My memory is improving. I don't have those moments as often now when I'm grasping for something I know I've forgotten. I don't have to pause in mid-sentence because the word I wanted to say is floating away. I have less moments when I think I have to do something and then promptly forget what.

I had told my doc awhile back that my memory was getting bad. This really worries me because of my dad's Alzheimer's. He said it's menopause, that it takes awhile for your brain to get use to hormonal changes. I asked what if my brain never catches up? He laughed, which was not funny. I was serious. So maybe my brain is catching up. Or maybe it's being off the meds. I'll take the improvement no matter the reason.

By the way, my husband did buy us that new Christmas tree. It's on it's way from a JCPenney warehouse somewhere. He drug all the decorations down from the attic. I'm going to make a bigger effort this year.

Several people at our card group go to the church near here where I took my kids when they were growing up. They invited us back (My husband has never been there, but I'm still a member.) I'm going to think about it. Going to church was easier when I was doing it to give my kids a religious background. It's harder to do just for me.

I'm reading Nickel and Dimed. It's about poverty in America. Living on minimum wage. I've been there, done that. Lived on food stamps and two part time jobs, raising three kids, with an ex-husband who was ten months behind on child support. I don't think the reporter who decided to slum it for the book completely grasped what it's like to not have that "other life" waiting over in the wings to fall back on.

I helped my youngest son fill out pell grant papers so he can go back to community college. He's the only one of mine that didn't finish college, so naturally I'm so excited that he's now interested in finishing. He's also worried that the economy is going to affect his job, so he's looking for another field to fall back on. My middle son is still job-hunting. Keep praying. Please.

Un-Scrooging Myself

2008-11-05T11:48:00.006-06:00

Well, my husband was not happy last night. However, he was a good loser and sat up late watching the acceptance speech. He is now in his "wait and see" stance. I feel good about my vote, and he never asked me who I voted for, as I think he probably figured it out anyway. Alabama went Republican, as usual, although the Democratic vote was more than is usual for us. Hopefully, that means we got a lot of people interested in voting this time around, especially young people who hadn't voted before.

My son in Washington called last night. The car he had stolen was located. Although they messed up the ignition, the rest of the car was intact. He went down and claimed it and is having the work done to fix the ignition. The police found it on a street near where he lives. He's going to buy some kind of burglar-proof device to install in the vehicle to keep it from happening again.
I bought my turkey roast today for Thanksgiving. We are having Herbed Boneless Turkey Roast, Mashed Potatoes, English Peas, Cranberry Sauce, Deviled Eggs, Yeast Rolls and a dessert. I think my Mom, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter, my husband, and I will be eating.

I've decided to make a real effort this year to make Christmas a good time for my husband. I was looking at a Christmas catalog the other night and found a beautiful white tree. It looked like snow in the forest to me, and I told my husband I could actually get excited over Christmas with a tree like that. I was half-kidding, but he grabbed the catalog to look and got all excited that something....anything....could get me excited. Then he told me we'd try to get a new tree if that would help me love Christmas, because he LOVES Christmas. I felt bad that I've been such a scrooge about Christmas up until now. We probably won't buy a new tree. We don't need one, as we have a perfectly good tree in the attic. But I plan to do some decorating. I have boxes and boxes of Christmas things in the attic. Christmas we will have a much bigger group eating dinner, and I'm thinking a Honeybaked Ham would be good to have again.

I bought a Knifty Knitter set of round looms, made a hat, and am now working on a scarf. When I was a little girl, my grandmother would take a wood thread spool and put nails around the opening. Then we'd use her crochet threat to make a long knitted worm, which we called a bookmark, a bracelet, whatever you can call a knitted worm. ha. I could never grasp crocheting or knitting on previous attempts, but this is easy. It's also relaxing to do in front of the tv in the evening.

The weather is getting colder here. I bought a new wool peacoat this year, but it hasn't been cold enough for me to wear it. It's suppose to get into the 30's Friday night, so maybe it's getting to be coat weather.

I won a $20 Amazon gift card for a blog entry I did for a site where I won the writing contest a few weeks ago. I wrote about what I did with the prize money, and they seemed to like it.

My cleaning lady was suppose to come at noon. I got up early, straightened up the house, took the dogs to the groomer to get them out from underfoot, and ran early to the grocery store. When I got home, put up groceries, no cleaning lady. She called about 10 to say she is down in her back. I told her just to wait and come in two weeks then. She said she needed the money and might come today anyway. Huh? I said well, if you are hurting, you should probably stay home. Then she said she needed the money for Christmas. So I said well, you can come, or you can wait two weeks, either way. So she said she'd call me back and let me know. No word after an hour. So I called her back again. She's coming, and I'm so confused.

Voting, Gossip, and Doggies

2008-11-04T12:22:00.005-06:00

My son in Seattle wanted some updating pics of my pooches. I thought they turned out so cute, I'd put them on here. Peanut, the fuzzy Pom/Chihuahua mix is just now getting his hair back. When we adopted him, he had a thyroid condition that had made his hair fall out. He's all better now on his medicine. BooBoo, our Malti-poo, has adjusted to having him around. I kept trying to get them in a pic. BooBoo posed and stayed put, and by the time I'd get my camera on them, Peanut would walk away. AWWWWGGGG! I finally got a couple with them in the same frame.

I went to vote this morning. It's always a traumatic time as I have busy-body neighbor women who run the polling place. I had no lines, thank goodness, but got right in and out easily (about 930 AM). When I got there, the first thing one of the ladies said was "We were just talking about you." Hmmm...

I changed my mind about my vote several times on the way there, but made up my mind for sure when I got there. Cathy will be happy...and my husband won't..... :-) My sister left me a message by my mom that I better not vote for that (N word). So I did. (Not just because of that.) And I again am reminded why she and I are not close.

Money From Home, Spaghetti, and Furs

2008-10-30T15:51:00.005-05:00

When my kids were small, I would have given anything for a way to make money at home. Now with a computer, it can be done. Of course, back then, I didn't have a computer.
So now I do a few different things to make money.

I write for Associated Content. They pay per page view now, and I get about $40 a month for articles I have stored on there (haven't written anything new in awhile.)

I enter stories on fieldreport.com. That is where I recently won a $1000 in their writing contest for October.

I do secret shopping for Marketforce and Shoppers Critique.

I sell things on Ebay occasionally.

And I do surveys for Mindfield. (The surveys pay $1-$3 or so each. When you get $10 in your account, you can request a check, or you can let it build up more and get a bigger check. I usually cash out every $10.)

And this sounds so cheesy but my husband gives me an allowance....He has a direct deposit going into my checking account every two weeks, not a lot but some spending money. We also keep a joint chkg for bill paying, but he pays the bills and I don't use it very often. I like having MY money.

Now and then, I think of going back to work, but thankfully, it's a fleeting thought that passes quickly. :-)

My middle son still has not found a job. He had a telephone interview yesterday, so hopefully he'll find something soon. I'm really worried about it. My daughter says being in Management Info Systems is a good field, and he should find something.

My best friend's ex is getting married this weekend. Their divorce has been final for about ten months. The new wife said my friend did not respect her husband because he said she didn't keep the house clean enough. I want to go over there and knock some sense into her. However, I rest assured that being married to his butt will knock some sense into her quickly enough. ha. I asked my friend how she felt about him getting married, and she said she couldn't care less. I don't know if I really buy that, but I hope for her sake that it's true. He's a royal JERK.

We watched Obama last night. Here (Don't know if it was nationwide), the audio and video feeds didn't match. Drove me crazy trying to watch it. I'd want a refund if I paid out that much and it was messed up like that.

I ordered a faux fur coat on Ebay. It's long and white and looks like ermine. I love it. I put it on and feel like a movie star. Then I look in the mirror and feel like a polar bear. Not sure who will win out but I know I'm going to enjoy wearing it. It's warm, too! No, that's not me in the picture. That's the Ebay photo.

My youngest son bought a new red convertible. He's really a big deal now. ha. He sold his motorcycle and truck to get it. I was thrilled the motorcycle was gone.

Well, Tuesday is voting day, and it's the first time I really don't want to vote. Yes, I will though. I have to go cancel out my husband's vote.

Well, I'm actually cooking tonight, so have to go start the spaghetti sauce. Me, cooking...what is the world coming to?

Dippety Do and Helmet Hair

2008-10-25T12:44:00.008-05:00

I got up this morning early to color my hair. I've had good experiencing with coloring my own hair and some nightmares. Although I have sprung for coloring in a salon a few times, most of my life, from the age of fifteen, I've been doing my own. Believe it or not, Avon used to sell hair color, and my mom used to sell Avon. All my friends were using Sun-kissed (You spray it on, lie down in the sun, and gradually end up with really brassy blonde hair), but I wanted something not so drastic. My mom bought me some Avon Dark Blonde, which was a shade lighter than my normal light brown. I loved it. The next time I colored, it got a little lighter, then a little more, until I spent all my teen years as a medium blonde. Long, straight hair was the fashion. That's good, because my hair was long, extremely straight, would not hold a curl, and I had no idea how to style it.

I watched what other women in my family did with their hair. My grandmother sat at the kitchen table while my mother put in a Toni Home Permanent and then rolled her hair into pin curls secured with bobby pins to style it. (All the time my mom was perming and setting, she would yell that Mom was pulling her bald-headed.) Then she would comb it straight back, making waves with her fingers, and put on a white "invisible" hairnet. At least once during all this, she would swear she wished she was a man, so she could wear a crewcut all the time.

My sister slathered her hair in Dippety Doo and used wire rollers with pink piks to hold the rollers. Then she put a gigantic elastic cap over this, hooked a hose from it to the dryer unit, and turned it on.

It would blow out bigger and she'd sit with this contraption on her head until her hair was dry. This was followed by a lot of teasing (with a rat tail comb of course), curling up her flip with her fingers, and then spraying with a lot of Aqua Net hairspray. After this, no hair moved on her head, even in the wind, even when she moved her head suddenly.

My mom went to the beauty shop every week, where they colored, "washed and set" her hair. She always fell asleep under the dryer. They kept walking by and shoving her head back under the hot helmet so it would dry.

This was followed by a lot of teasing, a lot of Aqua Net, and polyester pillow cases to keep the hair from getting messy.

Drying hair was interesting. Usually, I just washed mine, combed it, and let it dry. I couldn't see sitting under the huge plastic cap my sister used, and I hadn't yet seen a handheld dryer. In the winter when it was really cold, I would flip my hair upside down in front of our floor level space heater and brush it while it dried. Yes, this left it slightly frizzy, but it dried.

My girlfriend, Dolores, said she would kill for my straight hair (in the early Cher days), and used to roll her hair on the cans that frozen orange juice came in to keep her red curls from curling.

Then came frosting kits. We all had to try this. I did my own and then two of my friends. Mine and one friend's hair turned out great. The other friend turned out green, and she spent the next two days at the beauty shop trying to fix it. (You notice I still referred to her as friend, as she knew my home treatments had no warranty, and I am almost positive she lied about having color on her hair already.)

I remember the Christmas I got a bright orange handheld dryer with brush and comb attachments and a set of hot rollers. I switched from the space heater to my new "Orangie" and was so happy that I could now wash my hair when something last minute came up. The hot rollers were a nightmare. The little metal hoop pins didn't hold the roller in the hair, the rollers got really hot, and the metal center (if you were so lucky as to stick your finger near it) would end up with a roller tossed across the bathroom and me in trouble for cursing.

Plus, my super straight hair really preferred to be super straight, so the electric roller curl only lasted about twenty minutes ( I refused Aqua-net "metal helmut" Spray.)

I remember the first time I found hairspray that let your hair still move, Velcro rollers,and curling irons. I recently found a little gadget that lets you do a french twist on your own hair with only two bobby pins (and the gadget).

So what did I do to my hair this morning? I made it straight, and blonde, and am letting it air dry. Guess I haven't come such a long way after all.

Another Pre-December Gripe Session

2008-10-21T16:20:00.004-05:00

It's turned very cold today in Seattle. It is cloudy every day, even the so-called "sunny" days. My son likes it cold, but I've been freezing all day. The fact that he leaves the windows open doesn't help. He said it helps to keep air circulating so mold doesn't grow around the windows from all the rain and humidity.

A son of a lady I used to work with, is in prison on death row for killing his girlfriend. He was 20 when it happened. I don't know if he did it or not. I do know he was in the county jail for over seven years before he got a trial. I decided to become pen pals with him. My counselor said I always identify with people who are down or being judged. I don't know if that's true, but I do feel so bad for him and for his family (and the girlfriend's of course). His mom is a very sweet person, and I know this has been very rough for her. I wrote and asked if he'd like to be pen pals, and we've been writing ever since.

His case is on appeal, and it could be for a long time the way things move in the court system around here. I've thought about how I will handle being friends with this boy if he is indeed executed. I'm not sure how anyone would deal with it. But I'm not writing him for me. I'm writing for him. Whether he did this or not (I haven't asked), he is a human being, and he is so young, the age of my sons. He is locked in a 5x8 cell for the majority of every day. I can't imagine what it is like for him. I send him books to read and write the longest letters I can. It seems to mean a lot to him to have someone care enough about him to write to him. So I do what I can.

I will deal with whatever comes of this later if I have to. Now, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.
Anyway, I was suppose to get a letter from him while I was here. He is very conscientious about writing me back immediately after receiving a letter, and I wrote him right before I left home. So far, no word from him here. I was also expecting a coat I ordered and asked to be delivered here, but it has not arrived (also US Post Office). Back in May, my daughter sent me a Mother's Day card while I was visiting here, but it never arrived. So I don't have much faith in the mail system here.

Christmas is coming quickly, and Thanksgiving even more so. All the kids are coming home Christmas, as is my hubby's mom (although my Seattle son may not be able to come if he has a new job then.) My daughter wrote today to ask what days we are going to have our holiday dinners. I need to get my butt in gear and figure all this out, but right now, all I am doing is dreading dealing with the whole thing. I know that's my typical Scroogie-ness coming out, which it usually does this time of year. Maybe once I get home, I'll be able to wrap my brain around all of this and make some plans. But not right now. No one is coming Thanksgiving except for my daughter and her family. We may just do Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving this year. I can spend more time with them and the baby if I'm not cooking all morning. I don't know why I hate the holidays. I always feel so overwhelmed by them. I always dread the whole season. And I always feel so guilty for feeling like this. You'd think after 52 Christmas days, I'd figure out what my problem is and get in the flow of things, but it seems to get worse every year.

We went to a park today and had fish and chips for lunch, and we bought chowder to bring home for dinner tonight. That's good, because I'm already getting sick of cooking.
Ok, this is sounded like one big bitch session, so I'll stop this post here.

My Not On Ambien Post

2008-10-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

I said I wasn't going to write anymore, but I've gotten several emails saying don't stop, so here I am. Thankfully, this time, I am not on Ambien when I write this. I've been taking Ambien for several years, every night, to sleep. All those reports you hear of people eating, driving, having conversations they don't remember are all true. Ambien works great as long as you take it and go straight to bed. It's when you think you can stay up until you get sleepy that you get into trouble. No I haven't driven, or wandered out of the house, but I have had conversations I don't remember the next day, have bought things on Ebay (that arrived and I had no memory of), have sent emails, and now, evidently, have posted to my blog. But like I said, not this post!
When it does happen, it totally freaks me out, and I swear I will never try to stay up again, but will only take it once I'm in bed and the light is out. This time I decided to start trying to wean myself off them altogether.

See, I remembered posting to my blog. I remembered saying that my son in Seattle had lost his job, but I didn't remember anything else. Evidently, the Ambien kicked in during the middle of my post, because it started out sounding rational and then went to hell in a handbasket about 2/3 of the way through.

So, here's the update. I'm in Seattle, visiting my son. I've been here since the 7th. He lost his job about six days into my visit. He's gotten a tentative offer from a guy he used to work with, but it doesn't start until January or so, so right now he's trying to find something until then. I bought groceries and have been making dinner every night to keep him from spending his on eating out. This week we've had meat loaf, burgers, spaghetti, and barbequed chicken. I'm trying not to tell my hubby much about my new interest in cooking because I plan to lose interest quickly once I return home.

I miss hubby, miss home, miss my daughter and her family, and miss my dogs. We had to board them during the first week I was here, because my husband also came to visit for the first week. Then he had to get back to work. He picked them up and kept them at home a few days and then had to board them again for a business trip he leaves on tomorrow. I bet they are really confused and mad at me. They are stuck at pet camp while Mom kicks back and watches Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. (I thought this week was not nearly as good as it has been in the last few weeks.)

My son has a fantastic view. Right now, curled up in the recliner, I see the mountains, trees, a lake, and a cop giving a guy a ticket on the road below. Poor guy.

In the other post, I said I won a writing contest. Biggest payout I've gotten from my writing. Much better than I got from writing for Chicken Soup. My husband has been watching the mailbox for it every day, as I got an email saying it had been mailed this past week. I'll probably just put most of it on paying on credit cards, and the rest back into our savings account for money we used on the trip.

I lost 42 pounds, gained fifteen back, and have lost ten of that back off since I've been here. I think what did it was all the walking and sightseeing we did last week. I'm just glad it's getting back down. I quit the low-carb thing because I was feeling so tired all the time. I think low carb works fine, but I tried to cut out all carbs, and after almost a year of that, I had no energy at all.
Now I just try to eat what I want, but only half a portion, and only at mealtime.

The trees here are turning red and gold. It's really pretty. I didn't bring my camera this time, but my son did take some pics while my hubby was here last week. I'll get those from him and try to post some. I really like Seattle, but it's very expensive to live here.

Coming to Seattle with a Southern accent seems to open the door to a lot of conversations with strangers. The grocery delivery guy talked to me about my trip, the cashier in Target picked up on my accent and wanted to know my opinion of Seattle versus Alabama. (Very different. Although both have a lot of things to do and see, Seattle has a lot more traffic. The houses here are built two feet apart. The McDonald's dollar menu Double cheeseburger costs $1.29. Gas is less. Rent and real estate are MUCH higher. A house here for 200K is a 55K house in Alabama. Our 200K houses in Alabama would run about a half million here. Here voting is done by mail. The postman asks you your name here before he will leave a package, and then looks at you suspiciously anyway. At home, they bring the mail, wish you a good day, pat your dog on the head, and bring in your newspaper, AND you know their name. If I'd asked the guy here for HIS name, I think he would have had me arrested.) Anyway, a Southern accent seems to give people the impression that you are friendly and approachable, which I guess I am, even though I didn't think I was.

Since I stopped working a couple of years ago, I've gotten to be an All My Children addict, especially the last week or so, since they've had the "Tornadoes hit Pine Valley" episodes. You can tell the writers don't know much about tornadoes. For one thing, in Alabama a tornado watch means nothing. You still go get groceries, go visit the neighbors, go to the movies, and kick the weather radio for going off for a stupid WATCH. A warning means you get under something, but only when you hear the silence after the hail and before the train sounds. On AMC, a tornado watch meant the Chief of Police ordered everyone off the roads and back to their homes. If I stayed home for every tornado watch, I'd never get to go anywhere. Anyway, their reaction to the tornadoes only reinforced my husband's name for them, the "Dope Operas." Regardless of his opinion, I can't wait to find out what happens tomorrow. Or to kid him about the fact that even though he's got a name for them, he has recorded and watched AMC the last few days at home.

Well, I guess I'll hang in there with the blogging....

Don't Let Her Have the Keys

2008-10-15T23:00:00.004-05:00

If you happened to read the last blog post from last night before I deleted it, and thought I sounded spacey, I was. I took my Ambien and stayed up too late. Everything I said was true but I sounded like a blithering idiot. Sorry about that.

Shopping Touchdowns

2008-09-21T09:56:00.005-05:00

I decided to share with you girls some of my shopping finds. I checked and as I post this, it looks like they still have plenty of sizes in stock.
First is this topper from REQ for Sears (Yes, Sears!). It's soooo cute for over dress pants, jeans, whatever! Be sure to take a close up of the pattern. I got mine and I love it. And it's 40% off!

Next is this pair of black pumps from Target.
Just read the reviews. I know I swore I'd never wear heels again, but these are low and stretchy and have a padded innersole. They are sooo much cuter than in the picture. I was so happy when they came. I put them on and wore them around the house for an hour to see if they were comfortable, and they are!

Ok, here's the perfectly priced little black dress. I have some black boots and also the pumps above, and I can throw on the topper, too! I love that it has enough sleeve to cover my fat upper arms! Check out the reviews on this one, too. Everyone loves it.

See, I'm a pretty good shopper. I bought things I could wear for a long time, that would mix and match well. (I was thinking my husband's Christmas party when I bought this black dress).
And no, I don't get paid anything from Target or Sears. I wish! Then I'd have more shopping money!

Catching Up

2008-09-20T22:54:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I'm feeling so much better, and I've been getting out of the house more.
We went to see my daughter, son-in-law, and the cutest granddaughter the world has ever known last weekend and had a really good time. My son-in-law made this great shrimp boil. Yum.
Today my daughter came by, since she was in town visiting her friend, and we all went out to Applebee's. My husband and I also went to the mall and walked and ran some other errands. I feel like I have all this energy, but I think I'm wearing him out with my new cabin fever. Everytime he sat down today, he fell asleep. He went to sleep at 8PM tonight. So what am I doing? That brings me to my next subject.
I've been shopping. A lot. It all started with me giving most of my clothes to my best friend. I was tired of wearing clothes that hung on me and were two sizes too big. I wanted new ones. So I have been doing a lot of clothes shopping. TJ Maxx, Catherines, Ebay, etc. And what am I doing now? Ordering new skin care and makeup from the Home Shopping Channel. My husband is going to want to trade me in for a cheaper model.
I also dyed my hair. The ash blonde I've been using to cover my gray was making me look washed out. So I colored it with Light Golden Brown, which on my hair turned out Light Golden Reddish-Brown. But I like it.
I got back out my jewelry making stuff and have been doing that. I've been looking at fashion magazines. I've been doing some reading on my Kindle. And I'm getting ready for my trip to Seattle on October 7th for a three week visit with my son. (My husband is coming for a week of that.)
Now for the family. My granddaughter is walking and getting into everything she can find. Her favorite is dragging out her mom's Tupperware from the cabinet. I think I started her Tupperware fetish because I gave her my big wooden salad spoon and a plastic bowl for a drum.
My youngest son got a dog from the humane society where he lives. Cute dog. They had recently spayed her and she still had her stitches. He went out and bought all the standard doggie items (collar, tag, bed, dishes, toys, etc.) and fell in love. Only problem is they didn't tell him that this dog has a tendency to bolt. He came home the second night and as he opened the door, she ran out. He spent days frantically searching for her, posting flyers etc. He finally spotted her out by the dumpster, but every time he tried to get close to her, she'd run into the woods again. This chase game went on until he was certain he'd never catch her. Then today he went out and saw her again in the apartment complex. He said she looked like she'd been in a fight with something and lost. He lured her into the house with dog treats. He said she was in pretty bad shape, very hungry and thirsty. She had a cut on her snout and a cut across her head. He took her to the vet, got her stitches out, had her wormed, given a flea killer pill, and generally checked out. The vet says she will be fine. Now he's just concerned about opening his door, but I think he'll be careful from now on.
My other son found out his office window overlooks the Green River, as in the Green River Killer. He likes Seattle, but says his job is really boring. He doesn't have enough work to keep him busy, and his day goes too slowly. I miss both boys a lot.
My daughter is happy being Mama. She is so good with the baby. We are all just thrilled and feel very blessed to have her here and doing well, since she was born with a congenital defect and was in the NICU for the first few weeks of life.
Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to post more often.

Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

2008-08-19T16:35:00.004-05:00

My mom called this morning and said while she was out gardening in her flowers, she leaned too far forward, lost her balance and fell face first in the mud.
Last night, my husband, who ran out of his restless leg med was squirming and keeping me awake. I got my pillow and c-pap machine and headed for the front bedroom. It was dark in the house and I did not know he had put the baby gate up to keep the dog in the kitchen. I fell over it and landed on top of the c-pap unit.
My daughter said my son fell down a few steps on their staircase last week.
I told her to be careful, because we seem to be developing a pattern here. ha

My cellphone rang the other night and it was my granddaughter. She had gotten her mom's cell and redialed the last number called. She played me a melody on the keys and did a lot of interesting jabbering. It was so cute.

We've been watching the Olympics, and if those Chinese gymnasts are 15, then so am I.
I don't know why they let them get by with that, except our government owes their government millions of dollars. As my old boss used to say, He who has the gold makes the rules.

Say a prayer for someone we know named Bob. He is only 52, and has a rare brain disorder. His life expectancy is somewhere between one and ten years. I know he'd be thankful for your prayers.

My Granddaughter Dances!

2008-08-05T10:41:00.001-05:00

Still in Outpatient Forest

2008-08-05T09:06:00.002-05:00

I'm still in the outpatient program for the depression. I went every day last week but Friday (saw Dr about my glaucoma good report) and this week I go M-W-F.
They finally have me on Wellbutrin SR, Effexor, and Provigil, and I'm feeling better. The clouds are lifting, finally. I'm getting better at going to groups. I actually talk now, some at least. It's hard to believe I've spent most of the last five weeks in the hospital. I no longer feel ashamed of it though. I don't care what people think anymore. I did what I had to in order to survive, and I'm surviving.
I've been meaning to update my blog but everytime I started, I just felt frozen and couldn't think of what to write. So now, I have proof that I'm improving, because at least I'm writing something.

Light Through the Trees

2008-07-24T19:38:00.003-05:00

Well, Sunday night my husband took me back to the ER and they put me back in the hospital. I've been inpatient until tonight, and I start the outpatient program tomorrow, will go all next week, and probably the next. I'm on all new medicine, one of which my insurance needs a doctor's override to pay for. We though we might get it anyway, but it cost $529 for a month! No, that's not a typo.
I am feeling better. The depression is lifting.
I also called my mom from there and told her how I felt about her letting my sister quit having anything to do with me, and I felt like I'd been cut out of the family for the last twelve years. She denied it until I reminded her I only see her once a year, and I've never seen any of my sister's seven grandchildren. She said she was going to "fix that." I also asked her if she loved me. She said you know I love you. I said no you never say it. Not my whole life. So she told me she loved me about three times.
Then last night, she and my sister came to visit at the hospital. My sister and I talked and I told her I wanted us to be sister's again. She agreed, and seemed really genuine. Both of them hugged me and told me they loved me.
Well, I have a lot to do tonight before I have to go back to the outpatient program tomorrow, so I'll try to write more over the weekend. Thanks for all the kind comments.

Still in the Woods

2008-07-19T18:04:00.003-05:00

I have found out a couple of things that may have contributed to my going downhill so quickly. One-my regular doc put me on Singular three weeks before I went in the hospital (which the hospital immediately took me off) and it has been linked to depression and suicide. Second, my blood pressure was so low in the hospital, they took me off my blood pressure medicine and it's still low. So I didn't need that, and low blood pressure makes you feel crappy.
Plus, I went in the hospital with what I thought was a UTI, which they treated with three weeks of antibiotics. To make a long story short, they are still finding massive amounts of white blood cells in my pee, and want me to see a urologist August 15th. They said it could be a lot of things, but didn't really say what.
Somehow it makes me feel better to know that it wasn't all mental, but some of it was physical, too.
The psych is still trying meds, and I see him again Tuesday. I left the house for the first time today (except for dr appts) and that was to see my dad. I sat down and talked with my step-mom for hours and I cried and she cried. Then I hugged my dad three times and told him I love him twice, and he replied he loved me, too. Then she hugged me and said she loved me, and I told her I love her, too. Then I realized I do love her. I came home and slept all afternoon. My husband has been begging me all week to go out to eat, but I haven't felt like going anywhere. I have no appetite. That visit did me good, though.
I started this blog to be honest, and I've always just put it out there. I write to unload as much as I do for anyone else to read. I feel like shit, ya'll. I'm still in the bottom of the well and no rope they've thrown down yet has worked to get me out.
I had a friend I've written about before who killed herself because of depression. I never understood until this time around. You actually think you feel so low that death would feel better. In your mind, you know that's not rational. I keep telling myself that my therapist said I will pull out of this. She said she's seen worse, and they pulled out. But I have to be patient. So I'm still here, being patient, wandering in the forest.

Wandering in the Same Forest

2008-07-13T07:17:00.004-05:00

Seems like it's been forever since I posted. I went to see my therapist on June 24th. I knew I hadn't been myself in quite awhile, but thought I could pull myself out of it. When I saw her that day, after about thirty minutes of her probing questions, I admitted I had some thoughts of suicide occasionally. She called my psychiatrist. Then she asked for my husband's cell phone number. I remember telling her that I was meeting him for lunch at 11:30. I have no idea what time that was then.
The next thing I know he came in, and I burst out into tears. He held me a long time while I cried and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept saying, "It's ok. Don't worry about anything. It's all going to be ok." Then he cried with me.
They sent me to the hospital's behavioral health unit, and I don't remember a lot about how we got there or checking in, except what he told me. I felt like I was sort of disconnected. He said I kept apologizing to everyone.
That was on a Tuesday, and he was allowed to visit Wednesday, and then not again until Saturday. All I did for days was sleep, get up, go to group, go to bed. Sometimes I ate, but mostly I didn't care about eating. I tried to read books he had brought me but ended up reading the same page over and over and gave up. I saw the doctor every day. He changed my meds, re-changed them. I told my husband I didn't want him to tell anyone I was there. I didn't want to worry anyone or see anyone. He did tell my kids and his mom.
I went to the groups unwillingly. It took me awhile to speak in one. The first time I was forced to talk, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room and cried the rest of the afternoon. I don't know what day that was. My husband said I called him crying, but I don't remember that. Just being embarrassed about leaving the room in front of people. I took medicine when they handed it to me, and I stayed in bed a lot.
Now they think they have me on some mixture that will work, but they keep saying I have to give it time. I wish I could say it kicked in and I'm feeling great now, but it hasn't and I don't. I do feel more connected to myself though. Just still very tired.
I finished the outpatient program this week. I begged the doctor not to make me go next week. He said if I could get two appts with the therapist I didn't have to. I did, thanks to my husband making a lot of calls.
I feel numb. I do feel some better than I did. I can read now and concentrate on that. I don't know what else to say. I still feel ashamed of all of this. I now know my labels. I'm "major depressive disorder," and "generalized anxiety." I'm also still wandering in the forest.

Home Again.

2008-07-05T17:33:00.003-05:00

I was hospitalized almost two weeks ago for depression/anxiety. I came home yesterday, but have to go back all next week for the out patient program. I'll go in each morning at 8 and come home at 5. I'm doing ok. Just wanted everyone to know why I haven't been posting. Love you all.

Twelve Things

2008-06-22T07:58:00.003-05:00

I've been told when it comes to my blog posts, I'm either way up or way down. Today, I'm down, and I don't know what to write. So I'm going to write this entry in a list.

1.) I haven't seen my youngest son in months. He called night before last at 10 PM and said he was on his way to my house. He got here at 5 AM (or he said, as I was asleep). He slept until 8, then I heard his cell ringing. Ten minutes later, his dad pulls up, they load both their motorcycles on a trailer and head off to Florida for a vacation, towing the trailer. He did hug me before he left. He also left me a handful of his publicity photos. That's ok, since I'm his biggest fan. He's a big time DJ with a syndicated show, for those of you who don't know. To me, he's my baby that stays way too busy, and I miss him.

2.) Since Hillary is not going to be our Dem nominee, I am undecided how I will vote. I'm waiting to see who he chooses as a running mate, and who McCain picks.

3.) My husband says I'm down farther than he's seen me. My therapist says I'm down farther than she's seen me. They talked alone this week. My husband came out and told me I can hire a cleaning lady every two weeks, and he's been being very sweet to me. I don't know what she said but I hope she says it often.

4.) His mom is coming for three weeks. She will be here Wednesday. I'm on my second round of antibiotics for a UTI, feel like crap. So needless to say, her visit is not really exciting for me right now.

5.) God saw fit to give me mercy and the family reunion was canceled on it's scheduled date for rain, on its rain date for rain, and it didn't rain either day. So maybe I'm off the hook.

6.) I heard of a writing contest from one of my former editors. No entry fee, just prizes for the winners. She was entering it, and she's the best writer I know, so I thought I'd have not a shot in hell, but before I left for Seattle, I polished up one I had written some time ago and submitted it. They got tens of thousands of entries, I have been told, and mine is number 5 right now. I didn't know until I got an email that said, "We're sure you have realized you're one of the top contenders, so please take some time to submit an avatar." That was the first I had thought of it since early May when I submitted my story. So we'll see. But I do feel honored.

7.) I hate Rush Limbaugh.

8.) I put my white coverlet and seablue dust ruffle on my bed and hung new sheers on the windows. It feels like summer in there.

9.) My book club is reading The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George. I got it in the mail yesterday. It's ginormous. It makes Pillars of the Earth look skinny. It better be good.

10.) I have to get another cellphone. I can't read the screen on this one anymore, even with new glasses.

11.) My youngest son came in on his visit, looked at me and said, Geez, You've got hippie hair. (Huh?) Then he said I look like Lisa Loeb with my new glasses. I had no idea who Lisa Loeb was. I looked her up. She looks ok to me, so i guess it was a compliment, but the hippie hair I'm not too sure of.

12.) It's 9 AM. I've been up for an hour. I'm going back to bed.

A Day in the Life

2008-06-17T10:29:00.002-05:00

Night before: Check calendar book in purse and feel relieved that I don't have to leave the house until Wednesday for a therapist appointment, so I have another day at home.
6:45, Wake up, Go look. Husband has already left for work. Both dogs are up, which means he gave them their morning medicine. I grab a Coke Zero and head for the recliner in my nightgown. I sit in a daze, sipping, waiting for my caffeine to kick in.
7:00 Flip on tv, for the noise. Browse once again to see that there is nothing on I want to see. Check email. Usually forty something emails that mean nothing. Some book club chat, some classified message board posts that I subscribe to and never buy from. If I'm lucky, there's a comment from my blog or an actual real email from someone I know.
8:30 After wasting an hour and a half cruising the internet mindlessly, I get up to take my own medicine and get another Coke Zero. If I have low carb popsicles in the freezer, I'll have one for breakfast. If not, I'll skip it. Take medicine. Put on something comfortable. Play with dogs, one who is jumping and licking my face, one who is sitting totally frozen allowing me to stroke his back gently before slinking back into his bed under the coffee table.
10:00 Watch the View. Listen to the Hot Topics part, turn it off during the movie star interviews.
10:45 Realize I really should eat something, since I took medicine on an empty stomach. Go look in frig. Nothing in there I want. Grab an handful of almonds and go back to get another Coke Zero.
11:00 Look at house and think of the cleaning I need to do. Then I think of how I did all the laundry on Friday, so I am not a completely lazy bum, and maybe the dust can wait another day. Look at the counter in my husband's bathroom and how much it needs cleaning. Cuss because it's too covered with his junk. Realize it would take me thirty minutes to clean it off in order to get to the actually cleaning part. Think of putting it all in a garbage bag for emphasis. Decide to just forget it. Go back to recliner.
12:00 All My Children- Highlight of my day now.
1:00 Starting to feel very sleepy, since doc has me back on allergy medicine. Decide a nap is a great idea. Go back to bed. Sleep until 3:30 or so.
3:30 Stare into freezer and refrigerator for possible things to cook for dinner. Everything I think of sounds like too much work. I should cook. Decide I'll sit down and think it over. Have the "I should cook, but I don't want to" argument with myself. Get another Coke Zero.
4:00 Call husband at work. Tell him to bring home supper. I don't care what. I'm not hungry anyway. Whatever you want is fine (as long as I don't have to cook it.)
4:30 Play with dogs. Flip on tv, nothing on. Check email. Same story as this morning.
Pick up book. Read until husband comes home. Get another Coke Zero.
5:45 Get up, spend fifteen minutes tidying living room and kitchen. Hang up clothes in bedroom.
6:00 Husband comes home. Eat whatever he brought. Realize I'm reallllly hungry. Have dinner with another Coke Zero.
6:30 He flips through the channels, looks at what is due to be Tivo'd tonight, nothing I want to watch. So he watches the History channel or Star-something (Battlestar, Star Trek, Stargate, as long as there's a star name in it.) I read and pet dogs and sometimes blog.
10:00 He starts falling asleep on couch. I get up and take Ambien with another Coke Zero.
10:30 I let the dogs out, bring them back in, tuck them into their beds, and wake him up to go to bed. Then I check calendar to make sure I don't have anywhere to go the next day. If I do, and it's optional, I think of an excuse to cancel. If it's the therapist, I show up.
If I'm lucky, the phone won't ring all day. If I'm lucky and the phone does ring, it will be one of my kids or my husband, or my friend, Dawn.
11:00 Before I go to sleep, I decide tomorrow I will eat better, clean the house, and stay out of the recliner.
Next day, same thing. And I'm content with this life. So..there ya go.